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Green Grass and Bright Lights – Lucrémo Episode 4: You can’t predict the future.

Jan. 9, 2014

So I got a call today from my agent. Apparently you wonderful people have been blowing his phone up and calling Exeter when we aren’t playing to make sure they don’t sell me. I love it. Really I do. And this season is going to keep being magical I promise. But trust in the owners, trust in the managers, Trust in the Fraternal Order or Fly Fellas to keep pushing harder and harder to get you the big wins. And don’t worry about the potential moves now or in the summer.

I wanted to make a fan’s wish come true for a second. Her mom sent me an email and said it would mean the world to her if I said her name in my video because January 10th is her birthday. Well I decided to put this out a day early just to make sure she can see it. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAGGIE! What you and your mom don’t know though is I talked to the team, and they agreed to give you tickets to our next FA Cup match with Chelsea on February 1st. And so you can bring friends you’ll have 10 tickets!

One more surprise though.”

“Happy Birthday to you…”

“Happy Birthday tooooo yoooouuuuu…”

“Happy Birthday Dear Maggggiiieeee…”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOOO YOUUUU!”

We’ve got Reading coming up on the 15th Exeter, so we hope to see you there loud and proud. Peace Love and Lucrémo! 

 

Jan. 16, 2014

Alright gents, that first leg against Reading was good, and the last match against Oxford for the J Paint Trophy was stellar as well. But they are going to be paying a lot of attention this time. You have to expect to get the best punch. Everyone is watching, and Reading are hoping that they can get to you by reminding you that we have the end of the transfer market right before a match with Mourinho and “Cheatsea” Those are over a week away. TODAY guys. Today, we have a team we’ve beaten once in the first leg, I want you to go out and play smart. Look for the outside to in passing lines, play them rough and rugged. We shocked their subs and reserves. Now we’re getting the starting 11. And you can beat them. You’ve proven all year that you aren’t just some 5 a side club with some extra friends in on the weekends. Let’s do it again!

“What about Coles and Oakley sir?

They are going to be available in emergencies only. Same for you, I don’t want you pushing too hard and getting injured. If we have a late lead of more than 2 I’m pulling you for Parkin. And don’t give me any of that shit about not wanting him to spell you. It’s for your own good. You’re still growing.

Yes sir.

Now lads, Let’s GO!

 

3pm Friday January 31st, 2014

“Man we should get a bigger place.”

“I know what you mean, this is a great flat, but we should like get a house or something. You know really go big. I’ve saved up some money.”

“Yeah I think we all have. The bonuses these last 3 games have been huge. 5 goals against Watford between us, 3 the first time against Reading, all yours of course Julian, and then what 4 on Oxford and 5 more on Reading?”

“Yeah. We can get just about anything with that.”

“Let’s go look tomorrow though.”

“Yeah if we find something too big maybe we’ll talk any last-minute additions into joining us.”

“Oh yeah the window shuts tonight right? Can’t imagine they do something now since they haven’t all month.

You never know man, I mean 2 weeks ago who would have thought that Man U deal for Juan Mata would happen?

True.

“Anyway let’s focus on Chelsea tomorrow.”

Let’s focus on a good meal. I’ll do the pasta.

I’ve got the veggies

So I’m on protein duty I take it?

Yup.

Okay let’s do it.

4pm

Man that was great. 

 I know right?

We need more of that cheese though Matt.

I’ll call my uncle and have him get some when he comes up from Spain tomorrow.

He coming for the big match?

Yeah.

5pm

Terrence man what’s wrong? You look shocked from that phone call.

They just sold Shinji to Manchester City for 50 million dollars.

THEY WHAT!?!

That’s what Reid and the other guys are saying. 

This is going to suck for tomorrow.

Well let’s get everything cleaned up and chill out. Everybody keep their phones on.

7:30pm

So who all do we know for sure now?

Miguel Angel Cancela García

Cedric Migiedi Mpembele 

Kim Yong Hwan

and Jack Butland

So those guys in and just Shinji out?

Yeah I guess it was a money thing.

I’m worried.

Why? They sold Shinji probably to be able to pay for the 3 of us going forward.

Or because he was demanding out behind the scenes.

So?

So, if he was demanding out, and they’ve brought in 3 guys. Who’s to say they aren’t planning to sell one of us?

That’s crazy. The whole town watches your youtube. There is no point in doing that.

He’s right though. If this was a push and not a plan by the team any of us could be out. Everyone’s seen all 3 of us improve.

So we need a backup plan.

Yeah.

Okay what are the three teams we can all agree we are okay with joining and playing on together later if we get sold separately?

Bayern?

You realize Exeter bought me from there right?

Yeah I thought you might like to go back.

…or nah.

Okay where’s your pick?

hmmm somewhere that’s going to be fun, warm and has a name people could respect. How about Inter?

Okay, I like that. Inter is on the list.

Then its your turn bro.

Manchester United, not even a second thought.

Why?

Because they’ve been shit this year if we go there we would have a good shot at beating who they have in our spots, and we could be the boys who bring a Champs League title back to the Reds. 

Good point. Manchester United is on the list.

So Matt who’s it going to be? I mean we know it isn’t going to be B.

Barcelona. We should all go take over at Barcelona.

Are you still pissed that they signed Neymar and didn’t give you a deal?

Not really. Well about the Neymar part. The American Assassin comes home sounds good to me. And making them overpay to do it would be nice revenge for the shit treatment. Neymar cost 77 million dollars. I’m going to cost 100.

So it is settled what the list is. 

What order?

Well Inter probably has the least money but is the most fun location.

The best way to do it is like the big three on the Miami Heat did. So whoever gets to one of the 3 first, the other two come there.

We need a time limit. This could take forever otherwise.

Okay. 3 years if we aren’t at one of the 3 clubs in 3 years then we all go to the club we decide is first on the list.

Deal.

So what’s first?

Barca. Best weather, close to the fun of Inter, and has money and prestige like Man U.

You realize if we do this we can’t tell anyone.

Yup.

Sounds like we have a plan.

 

9pm

“BEEP!”

That’s the text alert. oh shit the team.

Okay now your face looks shocked.

I’m out.

Where are you going at 9pm the night before a game.

Nowhere. Its where I am going in the morning.

The pitch?

They just sold me.

So say no.

No Terrence, don’t say that. If they sold him then they didn’t respect us as a team. They didn’t appreciate what we were doing. And they didn’t see the value in the 3 of us. Why stay in a place like that? Who’d they sell you to?

Werder Bremen, I’m going back to Germany, as the enemy of my old team.

How much is the wage offer?

15k a week.

Take it.

But what about you guys?

We have a plan remember?

Yeah but what if you are still here tomorrow?

Then we’ll go kick Cheatsea’s ass for you and hand in transfer requests.

You mean it?

Hell yeah man. This isn’t right.

Let’s help you pack.

And then you guys go to bed. I want a win tomorrow popping up on my phone while I fly there for the announcement.

 

7am Exeter Airport

There he goes.

Yeah man it still doesn’t feel real.

I hear you bro, I hear you.

So what’s the plan now?

We find a roommate, we still move, and take absolutely no prisioners the rest of the season. We make ourselves too hyped to stay.and from there we keep with the plan.

You really think the plan will work?

Unless we get career ending injuries yeah.

So who could we move in with?

Well Jamie Reid is probably going to take Julian’s spot, so why not him? same age as you, and his lease is up soon I think.

Might even be up now, He was crashing with Keohane and O’Flynn

That must have been a nightmare for him.

Yeah so after the match we’ll talk to him.

Feb 15, 2014

Hey folks, I hope you like the new diggs. New place, new roommate, and new news…? I guess? So the Fraternal order of Fly Fellas got a new member recently. We moved out of the flat we were in and now have a house with our buddy Jaime Reid who’s been moved up to starting 11. Say hey man. Wave or something. haha it is going to take a bit to get him into our antics.

Anyway, you probably heard during our thrashing of Chelsea that Julian was sent to Werder Bremen. We’re all happy for him. It sucks for us at the house, but otherwise we love that he is being seen for the awesome player he is. 4 million for Lil Green is nothing to sneeze at. Jamie doesn’t have a nickname yet but give us time. And of course Shinji is gone as well now. 

But did you see this guy? 6 goals on Petr Cech! 6! Did you get a blood transfusion from Pele and Messi or something? Seriously people this guy is amazing!

Super T is leaving out the 2 more he tacked on. A humbler spokesman cannot be found. And of course I now am fully aware of how good Gareth Bale actually is in person after we nearly lost that US friendly against Wales. We needed that last goal, I’m just glad Julian is with me on the national team so he can lob in a cross like that to set me up. This summer. We aren’t coming to try to be okay. They keep calling it the group of death. Not for Uncle Sam’s army. I’ve got a true bold prediction. The World Cup final this year is going to have red white and blue flags on both sides. Netherlands v. USA. So you’ll get to see The Dutch Destroyer Terrence Kongolo versus The American Assassin for the greatest prize in sports. And whoever loses will be forced to wear a jersey dress and tiara with the pics posted on instagram so I know you’ll be paying attention. Next up is the League Capital One Cup Final with Liverpool. Cheer LOUD and be Proud Exeter. Peace Love and LUCRÉMO!

Green Grass and Bright Lights – Lucrémo Episode 3: Wunderkind?

Coach’s office

Lucrémo!

Yes coach?

While Julian is out I want you to really focus. You told me you’re healed up so I expect to see you take it to the next level. These next few matches aren’t all important so I’m going to save you for the cup matches mostly, but tomorrow I need you for as long as you can keep standing.

Yes sir.

I mean it.

Sir.

Yes Matt?

If we’re up heavy will I get to stay in?

Of course. I want you really stretch into a late game. It’ll build your stamina.

Thanks coach. See you out there.

wunderkind paper

 

“Okay after a piece like that I’m never getting another red card man. Who the hell are we now? Shinji’s attendants? They were praising you last week. And they still aren’t mentioning how badass Terrence is.”

“Don’t worry guys, I’m a defenseman, that I’m not in the paper says more.”

“Better than all the promises about cards man, come help me beat Spain again. You got the letter. I know Klinsmann called again. Put on the colors man.”

“Matt has a point. Not to mention it could make you a lot of money and we could get out of this place into a better living arrangement.”

“Deal, but you’re buying the steaks this weekend T. We have to celebrate the new era in International futbol…”

 

Well folks it is that time again. And I get to break some news. Go buy your USA jerseys for my newest teammate…JULIAN GREEN!

Who cares about my various goals, or any of the other fun happenings here in Exeter. You heard it here first. Julian Green is joining the US men’s national team. Now let’s see if the manager picks him for the Spain match. I’d stay to talk more but that’s big news and Words Don’t Do It Justice. So I’m out for now. Peace Love and Lucrémo!

Saturday Night at The Arena

“So you guys are those footballers with the videos?”

“Yeah he is, we just like making fun of him while he does it, and he hates editing us out.”

“So forget all that, why don’t you come back to our place let’s keep the party going.”

“Can my other girls come with us?”

“How many of you all came along?”

“6”

“I like that number.”

“Why’s that?”

“That’s TJ’s number.”

“The Dutch Devil will be glad to say yes now.”

“Only if it is okay with you King Lucrémo”

“HAHAHA Ladies lets get out of here and party.”

 

November 23, 2013 – New York City, New York, USA

“So do you like being called Matt or Lucrémo?”

“Hahaha are you serious Zusi? I don’t know that I’ve earned the right to be called that by you guys.”

“After the last match you played in I’m sure the next group will be calling you captain.”

“Oh no, you’re Captain America Tim, I’m just the kid you guys help look like less of a schmuck. For confusion sake use it or I guess my middle name, Since there are two Matthews playing now.”

“So I have to ask. How did you convince Julian to switch?”

“We’re flatmates, we talked about it all the time. Finally it just seemed like a good idea to him. Now I may have made all the US squads on FIFA have him, and keep switching his wallpapers to an American flag but that’s it.”

“And I was tired of him getting free flights while I was stuck eating take-away in Exeter.”

“HAHAHA. Exactly.”

“FELLAS, Let’s focus!”

Klinsmann walks in like he might turn into an acoustic guitar player or yell at us angrily in German any second. He’s cool but intense, and today I’m not certain he isn’t going to do a bit of both. We’re riding high after the last time we trained and had a match together. Spain wanted a rematch, and we are about to see if lightning can strike twice. And I get to team up with Julian and Jozy Altidore. Graham Zusi wants to chat about something after dinner tonight so it might be about things from back home in Kansas City. Maybe Sporting KC is going to put a bid in? Man I gotta calm down and get into the zone. Where’s my Tech N9ne playlist?

 

Skype Call to TJ

“So we all start going out the exit to go to dinner and Graham is like “I think I’m buying this one for both of you, and in walks, swear to God Almighty himself, Thierry Henry.”

“And of course Matt turns into a hero-worshiping child before my eyes. Turns out he was there watching the match because of the last time when we played in Spain.”

“He motions to the 3 of us to come with him. and he’s got a car outside waiting. We finally stop and get out. Its Peter Luger‘s.”

“Turns out it is like half happy for you meal, and half checking up on this kid.”

“Whatever, we got to beat Spain again, get some crazy number of assists and goals and then free steak dinner with one of the best to put cleats on.”

Like I said hero-worship.

“So what was scoreline? The manager isn’t letting us watch it while we warm up for our friendly with Japan.”

“I got 2, Zusi got 1, Jozy got 2, and “The King” got a hat trick. And we basically split on the assists for all those goals, he got the assists for mine and Zusi, and I got them for one of his and both of Jozy’s. Another Spanish Shutout.”

“SHIT! I gotta go, Robin wants to address everybody before the Manager comes down. See you guys back at the flat.”

“Good luck bro!”

 

Dec. 8, 2013

Folks I have to tell you I am so glad that I play for an english team in this part of the country when winter really gets going. Nothing against the North, but I got a lot of cold winters as a kid back home in Missouri, and Spain did spoil me a bit on that. I know I’ve skipped a few games again, but I didn’t have a lot to tell you since I didn’t play until the Capital One Cup match Wednesday with Watford and the FA Cup match with Wolverhampton yesterday. You I’m sure saw the stats somewhere so I won’t go into them again. Plus it sounds really arrogant to talk about how I got two more hat tricks and 3 more assists while we beat both teams 5 nil. But I wanted tell you guys about all the rumors you are reading. 

Big secret it seems, but we read and hear that all the time. Super T is wondering if he’s going to get sold first with all of his clean sheets and tackles. I guess I should be worried, but I never get to spend a whole game on the pitch so I don’t think I’m going anywhere. Though I did love all the Please don’t sell my Lu Cre Mo, chants. And the amount of teasing in the locker room you caused will probably never go away. All of us except big bro Matt Oakley seem to be headed elsewhere now. He says he’ll probably retire at the end of the year, but for now no midfield worries. But yeah keep the cheering up for all of us, especially the Fraternal Order of Fly Fellas: Super T, Lil Green(DBZ Abridged is hilarious), and Peace Love and Lucrémo!

 

December 15, 2013

“You wanted to see me sir?”

“Yes Lucrémo, First I wanted to tell you we loved that last performance. You and Juilian and Shinji really worked them over, and your assist work has been stellar lately. What I wanted to talk to you about is the video blogging you are doing on youtube.”

“What about it?”

“Well the bosses and I are fine with it, but with the transfer window coming we’d like you to avoid talking about anything you hear and of course rumors in our locker room. It is okay to poke a bit of fun at the papers, but some things are strategic, even the rumors themselves.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well like yesterday’s J Paint Trophy match with Crewe Alexandra. Do you understand why there was a compliment about you from their manager?”

“To throw me off my game?”

“Yes, possibly, but also to see if you make yourself available. If you take the compliment, have a great game like you did. seriously, I don’t know where you find these goals let alone those 4 from yesterday. but anyway. If you do that and respond on your vlog about how nice it was to talk to him, maybe you ask for a transfer, and they can use that as leverage to get you away from us.”

“So you don’t want me to talk at all anymore?”

“No no no, keep going with it. My daughter’s love it. But just don’t give anymore official word.”

“You mean like when I got to announce that Julian was coming to the USMNT?”

“Not like it, but because of it. See now that you’ve done that you are probably being watched by all the sports news folks to see what else you let out. They may even start trying to pay you guys money for leads. And that can cause problems.”

“So you’re going to pay me to not talk basically?”

“Well don’t think of your goal bonuses as hush money. Think of them as a constant reminder that we know how amazingly special you are, and how important you are to not just the team, but to Exeter itself.”

Jan. 7, 2014 after the Bristol Rovers match

“Guys what the fuck?”

“Can it kid.”

“No fuck that. I’m dead tired because we had to play with 8 men for 40 minutes. I get it, you thought he red on Shinji was crap. I thought it was crap to, but you two knew this ref was being a prick and you still took guys down from behind. Its Bristol fucking ROVERS, there was never a question of if we were going to win. All you did today was make us look like bullies.”

“You’re not the fucking captain Matt.”

“Yeah and you barely deserve to be called that after that game, Coles. Unless you are going to tell me you have some long-standing beef with that guy, it was uncalled for and you fucking know it.

“What are you worried about? They’re going to sell you and your friend Julian to some big league club now that the window is open. Don’t act like you’ve been here since we got out of Conference Premier play.”

“If they sell me it won’t be because I put a request in.” 

“Yeah yeah, we’ll fucking see won’t we.”

“Another bullshit payback move that gets a red like that Parkin and you won’t be seeing for a while.”

“Did the teenager just threaten me?”

“I’m not afraid of guys taller and bigger than me, what makes you think I’d be afraid of you? Cut the crap so we can win, or YOU put in the transfer request.”

“Yeah Parkin. We’re with the kid.”

“You’re with the kid? Shinji’s going to PSG or Man City according to the papers, TJ to Bayern Munich, Julian to Monaco, and this kid you all are backing is going to have Manchester United Red on before this month is over. Don’t come crying to me when your temporary leader leaves you all behind. EVERYBODY leaves this team at first chance. He’s no different.”

“That’s where you are wrong, he is different. And yeah those new guys in the front office might just sell him off without him getting a say. But until that happens we are supposed to be helping build him up. We are supposed to work together. You guys could have caused us to lose out there. Down to 8 men? When he put us up 4 to nil I was still worried there might be an onslaught. Keep your heads in the game or find a new club. Or in Coles’ case, if you can’t hack that armband anymore hand it off and go find a new club.”

“Whatever.”

“Walking off in a huff just proves you’re a twat Parkin. Sorry about all that kid.”

“Sorry about how angry I was O’Flynn.”

Nah, you were right to be. This isn’t Parkin’s first time doing that after all. You okay? How’s your legs?”

“I could use a leg massage, and some ice. And probably a ride home honestly Keohane.”

“I would be happy to give the king and his roommates a ride.”

“HAHA, thanks asshole.”

“I am honored your highness.”

“HA whatever. Let’s grab some Chinese on the way. I’m insanely hungry.”

Green Grass and Bright Lights – The tale of Lucrèmo, Episode 0: Prologue

“My Name is Matthew Elisha Williams.

When I was born there was not a lot of fanfare.

I was just another normal kid trying to find his way.

But when I was introduced to the beautiful game all that changed.

By age 10 the only sport I would play was soccer, or football like they call it everywhere but where I’m from.

By age 12 people were batting around terms like prodigy.

At age 13 La Fabrica and La Maisa came calling to have me play in their systems.

On my 14th birthday with enough Spanish to survive, my parents sent me and my Uncle to learn from the school that had given the world Messi.

I spent my time learning everything possible. When the big club came to visit I was sat between Thierry, Ronaldinho, and Lionel for photos. They called me the future.  These titans looked at me and saw something in my eyes. They gave me the name you will one day shout from stadiums at me. That was the day Lucrèmo was born.

I bled for Barca every day of every year after that. I trained like life could only be found in learning the bounce angle for every single inch of goal post. I pushed my body to gain more endurance than all of my teammates so I could stay in late in case we needed a last minute goal.

I studied the greats, and the goats, so I could never be shocked.

And what did I get for it? I sat behind all their treasured millionaires. At 17 they could have given me a deal for first team or reserves that proved they wanted me. So when they didn’t I knew I was walking when my youth deal ended. And so Lucrèmo became a hired gun.

There were no suitors like La Blaugrana had been. So I went to England, where I got a deal that leads us to where we are today. Exeter City isn’t much. But they had a few rich former players appear and decide to slowly rise up the ranks. They spent money on me, my countryman Julian Green, and their biggest signing was from what my dad calls the Yankees of soccer. Shinji Kagawa for far more than he was worth was clearly meant to say something, and I was clearly an after-thought at best, a gamble at worst. They also grabbed a couple of guys with potential like me. I live with Julian and one of them, Terence Kongolo.

They tell me this season they want me to prove everyone wrong about me and why I left Barca. That if I can, it will be rewarded with something special. I suspect they will be putting me on the market though if I do too well. I need to setup 8 goals, score 25 goals, shoot better than 29%, and keep a rating of 8.4 or better. I crushed that assist total already 2 games in, so I’m not worried. But I need to learn to curb my shoot first attitude because I’m only at 36% conversion on 3 goals.

Since you’re along for the ride I guess I should tell you what I am planning. Shinji told me he’s out of here soon if things don’t go well. And that I should have a backup plan. So I asked him for the number of guys with his old clubs. The Red Devils are on my radar. Because how better to make Barcelona pay than to get them in a bidding war with Real and Man U for me? Sure Lucrèmo will one day go home. But they aren’t going to get King Matthew cheaply. Until then. I need to start proving myself, and less time daydreaming about my coronation. I’m going to be the best. I’m going to make you scream my name on or off the pitch. But I’d be lying if I said I knew whether I’ll be the hero of this story or the villain. For now, just enjoy the ride.”

Lucrémo