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Words Don’t Do It Justice Podcast Episode 4: Hard Quesitons, Harder Answers

This month on the Words Don’t Do It Justice podcast we welcome the return of THE Ruthless Wonder as host along with Reign, and the newest Author The Radical Ref for a discussion of college costs, the realities of medicine and the health in the modern world, and money in politics as well as a big announcement regarding the future of this podcast. Enjoy episode 4: Hard Questions, Harder Answers.

WDDIJcast Episode 4<right click and select save as to download.

Weddings, Reunions, Dental vists, and SHAKE UPS!

So you may have noticed someone has been missing a lot lately. You may have even noticed when he goes missing he doesn’t always explain why. Well…yeah no real explanation, sorry for that.


In other news I have been gone meeting old friends, getting massive dental work, and being best man in a wedding. Shout out to Superfans Chris and Ania Moncrief(aka Superman and Lois Lane) who celebrated their love in the classiest of weddings this past weekend.


You crashed both the wrong and the right wedding.

You crashed both the wrong and the right wedding.

But that Shakeup word is here again for good reason. 


Things are about to get interesting. Not only has WDDIJ been dealing with the …well Hilarious nature of advertising negotiations, but as you may have noticed we’ve lost a few authors. These things are not points to worry over. Trust me. In fact, the very way you view WDDIJ is about to change for the better.


In a short explanation, we’re doing an overhaul.


Because at 5500 views, we are little less than halfway to the year two viewership goal, and its only been 3 months.

In short, I’ve been short sighted.


To remedy that, I had to get to work.

And believe you me, the work is paying off.

Launching this fall is our interview series “Imperial Dreams”

Launching sooner rather than later this summer is a new format to the website

And Look for some shake ups in the staff as well.

Nothing drastic folks, but we want you to have a great experience.

And we want you to come to us for more of your daily content.

SO we need to be a place you want to come to.

And since I’ve been slacking on that. It is time to pick up the pace.

Of course I could tell you so much more, but as you know…


– THE Ruthless Wonder

Watch Your TONE!

I’m back, and the first thing I’m talking about is tone? Has Ruthless gone soft? Not on your life. I’m being very deliberate here. Let’s get to it.

During the break I unleashed a bit of back and forth in the groups I frequent online by dropping some admittedly loaded discussion on them. How did I do this? Well I didn’t go personally provoking people so calm down. I linked up two videos, one per group, where the speaker presented a highly controversial opinion. Did I necessarily agree with the two speakers? Come on people that’s  a softball, I’m rather non-committal about most people’s opinions other than my own. So each speaker was chosen for one reason. They didn’t yell. Why no yelling? Because as we often hear, it isn’t about what you say, but how you say it. But here’s the beautiful notion of this experiment. Them yelling didn’t stop that criticism.

Without divulging the group names we’ll just say that each one was used with their full awareness I was using the discussion for a piece here and were warned that the point of the discussion, was both their reactions and the discussion about them. One of the goals was to challenge some long-standing opinions and beliefs that existed. And see how such a challenge, despite coming with a warning would be perceived. Even my own reactions were a calculated set of responses to keep from turning the discussion into my posting the material and how wrong or right I was. And outside two noted examples where I had to defend myself(1 oddly enough was to someone who’s known me for the last 6 years), the process was flawless. So let’s get back to that general tenor of the discussion bomb I dropped.

Yes despite both speakers(1 male, 1 female), speaking in very calm and rational voices, they were perceived as having turned off people due to their “tone.” A common response to the female speaker being “I’d respect her if she hadn’t said it like that.” But remember, neither speaker was yelling, very few curse words appear, and most of the time anything I would consider inflammatory was combined with study results as evidence. But here’s what I wanted to wait until now to tell you. Both videos lacked the person’s face. And that choice I made to test not only the initial perceptions, but to see if anyone would jump at the chance to take a personal shot at them for not showing their face. And of course they did. Because if this is the test of how welcoming of change American society is, you lot have so many failures among you that we are all in trouble.

So let’s talk about the subject matter. The first was a topic in a group that often talks about relationships. And here I dropped a video from a white woman, who explained why she makes it a point to say she doesn’t date non-white men in her dating profile, despite actually being okay with it. For about 11 minutes, she explains everything from the perception of women who date interracially, to the filtering effect of saying it, to some points which dealt with the kind of black men she and women like her want to avoid. At no point does she yell or otherwise get angry-voiced in the video, but like a good speaker she uses voice inflection at times to differentiate her points. So of course the first thing she got called was a racist slut. And then the group started in on how mean she was, and then when asked most said it wasn’t what she was saying but how she said it. And of course when some group members appeared later on and started defending her points, discussion slowed down as people clearly were either tired of the anger that had ben stirred up, or could not retort in the face of more logic. It should be noted that I don’t really agree with most of what she was doing or her reasoning for it. But I will admit that I see some of the logic. Filter out the people you don’t want to talk to, so you can more easily connect with the ones you do. She’s sneaky, and I of course got called more than a few names for posting it(Which I responded to in trademark fashion), but what I did and didn’t agree with wasn’t a tone issue.

That being said, the second video was a much more tense discussion. Why? Well it was another skirmish in the ongoing tensions between black men and women. Never let it be said I’m uncontroversial. So how was this video different? Well the discussion immediately started with a comment that the unseen speaker may not be black. Seeing that, I knew I was in for a ride I didn’t get the first time. What do I mean by that? Well during the first discussion, most of the people resorted to calling the woman all manner of sexually dismissive names. Even the women who commented aimed at me and her on a level that was F**ked to be sure, but not quite all out. The second video turned into a rage fest so fast I had to ask if people were actually watching the video before commenting. And guess what. They weren’t. Of the people with the most negative comments of both videos, most hadn’t gotten beyond 3 to 5 minutes of the videos. That’s about half of the first video, but only a third at best of the second, which was  15 minutes long.

So what conclusions did we find? Well 1, I’m going to be so much more emotionless and cold in discussion in both groups. But that’s more of an annoyance at my personal treatment when I warn people ahead of time. But more importantly I learned exactly how bullshit that watch your tone statement is. Think about this a bit deeper. To mask their disagreement with the speakers, and their unwillingness to accept the facts presented, they said the person’s tone was off-putting. But their tone wasn’t the real problem. We tell people more flies with honey than vinegar. But clearly that isn’t true. Each speaker took a calm, rational, reasonable, and logical approach. But what was the common complaint? They shouldn’t have said it like that. Now if you’re reading this blog, you know I’m not exactly a fan of subduing any part of my points, much less my tone. But in the face of this I was even more sure of myself. Why? Because contrary information should inform the opinion and update the perceptions. And just because I don’t like what the facts show doesn’t mean I get to ignore them.

And that’s where this post on tone wraps up. If a person is giving you facts, and you have only emotional responses, you lost already. Facts in fact DO trump your feelings. And both of these speakers gave nothing but facts. Do they apply to every single person? Of course not, the white woman didn’t really account for professional black men while deriding most other races(including the racist white guys), and the black man didn’t really get into other subsets of black women in his arguments. But both accounted for this more than once by saying this wasn’t about all of the groups they spoke on. Apparently that wasn’t enough. You will get no such warning from me though. You and I know by now I’m a self styled Super Villain. I embrace the viciousness of my Ruthlessness. And that’s why you read this blog. So to put it bluntly, take your tone comments and shove them right back up where you got them from. I’m back from the bar prep cave. I have a long hit list of people on my shit list, and first up next week are…ah ah ah no spoilers. Get your eyes back on the blog next week for Wrath of Ruthless Part 3. I’d tell you more but…Words Don’t Do It Justice.

– THE Ruthless Wonder

Let me talk to you for a moment…

The following is just from me to you. No one asked me to write this. The post isn’t sponsored by anyone or any company.

One of the early issues I had as a child was pretty common. As an only child I wasn’t really good with meeting new people because I didn’t know how to socialize. So I was incredibly shy. And as you can imagine, after knowing someone for a fairly long amount of time that would change and I would open up. But it made for some hilarious, and some annoying for most people situations. It also led to a point in life where I was perceived as I talked about in the Viva La Bad Girls post, as cold and detached. Well that of course has its downsides. Odd as it is, to this day that is why some people think I’m nice. I’m not, and my friends know that, but if you haven’t gotten past a couple of trust checkpoints and/or I’m not your business or political opposition(formerly included mock trial opponents) I tend to be generally non-offensive, which in our world today is considered nice.

Anyway, this went on for years even into adolescence with a lot of effects. The effect I didn’t notice was that I perceived people as not wanting to be close to me. That feeling got worse after my father’s death, and never really recovered for quite a long time. What some people can already recognize is what I will tell the rest of you. I was headed for depression and had no idea. As I got older it really just got worse and worse. I didn’t deal with a lot. I let a lot overwhelm me. And when it got too much, well you can already imagine what I did instead of asking someone for help. When I didn’t end up a very nicely written obituary I set to getting my life and self back together. Rebuilding what I was by fixing who I was. And 10 years later things have worked out mostly(damn bar exam). Now I know this is going to sound like an its gets better ad, or something meant to humanize me, or a just don’t do it type of blog post. Frankly though I don’t mind you taking that position on it. I was a very depressed person who just happened to luck out and not end up dead each time. I kind of expect you to think I’m talking about it now for some particular effect.

Really though this is being written because I remember that I have to keep myself strong of mind when the worst things happen. And since this stretch from Halloween to Valentine’s Day comprises about 3 months with 5 holidays I know statistically, for someone who reads WDDIJ this is mentally taxing and they are as depressed or worse than I was. And the hard part is, even me typing this isn’t going to pull you out of it. Because all those voices of reason and supposed love that were around me didn’t affect me enough to pull out of it. Because you can’t do it alone. Everyone’s answer is different. Everyone’s path is different. So what brought you to this point is different from what it did for me, and I understand that. I’m not judging that. Instead, I’m saying for once ask for a hand with what you’re going through. I’m not telling you to ask for that from friends, or family necessarily either.

One of the worst things about going through what was a 6 year major battle with depression was that I had to deal with family and friends. I don’t mean that to be generally perplexing. When you tell a friend or a family member “I’m depressed, and I’ve tried, and continue to think about killing myself.” they usually react by overwhelming you with attention and time or having every psychologist and psychiatrist they know or can get a number for call or visit you. Given how important church was in my family, my particular story includes meetings with the Pastor, the then Co-Pastor,  various prayer sessions, and a lot of other stuff that you already know added to my annoyance. Some of you may have guessed why that annoyed me. Because I knew it wasn’t genuine or long term. And also because that wasn’t why I told them. Since my recovery began I’ve had 4 friends of mine either be suicidally depressed, or attempt suicide. And a couple who have talked to me about it before hand. Each time I remembered where I was, and tried to give them the same respect I wanted, but didn’t receive.

Because recovery is a lifelong thing in most cases, I can’t say I don’t get the annoying flash thought of, “You really don’t have to put up with this,” or “why am I still here?” or the worst one for me, “And this is why I’m right. No one you think cares about you really does.” That voice is ever present in the bad moments, when the chips are down, I’m off my game, and what I want to accomplish looks like its impossible. And its in those moments I, like you should think about doing, talk to someone. Not about the situation, sometimes not even about me, but I reach out to someone I haven’t talked to in a while, or at least someone who isn’t aware of the thing I’m trying to do, and just talk like a human being for a bit. And then its a bit easier. I’m an odd case, and you probably feel like you are. Or that no one is going to get it. Fine they won’t, so don’t ask them to. Just let yourself be human for a bit. Let yourself come back from what is wearing on you to just exist for a few moments in time. Above all remember you have things you still want to do. “Don’t settle for a nicely written bit in a paper.” That ultimately is what has had the most staying power for me in my recovery. That I can look out and see I have things I want to do in life. Not really things I wanted to have, not necessarily places I wanted to go, but things I want to do and haven’t done. Because I think you’ll agree life is at least worth living to do the things you want to do in it. And because in the end, for all my antics and attitude, I want you to give yourself a chance to accomplish what you want.

See you next time friend. Cue my theme music. And remember the catch phrase, because Words Don’t Do YOU Justice.

– THE Ruthless Wonder

Ruthless On Relationships: Viva La Bad Girls

Really? Another Ruthless On Relationships?

I know, I know, by the end of this I will have done 2 straight relationship posts and I said I wouldn’t go so heavy into them. 2 times is not a habit or routine practice people, calm it down. Besides I’m going to give a few people hope today…while shyte-ing on a segment of the population at the same time, but did you really expect otherwise from me? So let’s get right in to it. “I hate good girls.”

And I love bad girls like a fat kid loves cake…okay not really

Now there is a reason for this and I’m going to detail it, but for those of you who didn’t write me off based on that statement I want this to sink in. I am a professional, 31 year old, black, man living near the Kansas and Missouri Border in the very heart of the midwest in a major city and I hate good girls. Now don’t try to parse that statement, if you want to use good women it still applies. I’m not using girl as a denigration of the modern female, or as misogynist terminology to make the notion that women are less than me. It isn’t some reference to young girls in a pedophilic sense(As some know I have more than a thing for older women). I hate good girls/women.

Now that we’ve turned off the low intellect readers let’s get to the explanation. Because as you already knew, there is one. My dating history and my relationship history is a horror show at points. Pre-2006 revolution there is a stoic sarcastic deeply intellectual guy who let every woman who he was in a relationship with bash at his public persona in private. He looks insanely submissive by comparison. Pre-2000 high school it is so much worse I call it the darkest time. While I was and still am, very dominate in public, privately I was so unsure of myself that I clearly looked like prey for psychologically dangerous women, and they nearly ate young not-yet Ruthless Wonder alive.

But this is not really about the past versions of me. I’ve dated more good girls than bad girls until about 2007 and the far more the opposite since then. Why? Well for the same reason I hate good girls, perception and treatment. Since 06 I really have embraced the Ruthlessness I long tried to hold down. It wasn’t that I haven’t always been this way, it was that I was denying I was this way for everyone else’s benefit. And while often that made me seem cold and detached, it was better than to be thought that than a ruthless arrogant prick with a superiority complex…or so I thought. The last 2 good girls I have dated were great women. I would, if I were not this me writing this right now, attempt to date them again. The most recent more than the one before, but I think even she knows that. I find myself saying the same about them both though. The thing that is the core of my issues with good girls. You cannot accept me.

Here’s what I mean. Both of these women were for the time we dated cool with the majority of me. Public persona at 11 private at 5 or 6, hey let’s actually watch this cool movie on my set up(this deal only applies to movie one ladies, if there is a second…all bets are off). They were okay with some of my quirky nerdy habits. Neither one watched any anime with me, but they weren’t ridiculing me for watching it and I thank them. They could deal with knowing I’m a writer beyond my political and law interests so I may be in the middle of a poem or story and get all odd. But each one had some thing they just couldn’t roll with. Hell, one straight said that we couldn’t get more serious if I couldn’t turn down, well…THIS. Being RW(though this was before I had the name) was her issue. I wasn’t a horrible person according to her because she could see how I was when it was just me and her, but outside that was a problem.

My response(In my head cause I’m not stupid)? Meh. When things ended with each, and not too long after this point was the end basically both times. I left those situations each time thinking I had become a bad guy. That I was in serious need of change because I was a horrible person. Doubt was everywhere. But each time I found myself in what anyone would call a bad idea rebound type of relationship or 4. Since I’ve come home to KC and truly enjoyed single life for the last year and a half I’ve had time to really look back at things though, and noticed something. While the bad for me girls usually ended up in really short things, or never getting super serious, or cataclysmically bad ends(I’ll save those stories for another time), until that happened they worked. For them I was the good guy. They valued everything differently. And it isn’t like I went from fellow law students, professors, and doctors to strippers, waitresses, and instagram models. Just if you knew both women you’d call one the good girl, and one clearly the bad girl.

And so I have grown a hate for the “good girl” not the women themselves, but the attitude and style of the good girl. Because while I am Ruthless as I wanna be, I’m a Gent. I’m a black overweight James Bond…wait that’s too far. I’m just…an acquired taste, yeah I like that better. And so the bad idea relationships seem to be perfect for the time they happen. the bad girl calling me her good guy is probably the best relief from the stress of the day. But it is because they aren’t looking for everything wrong with me(which I admit there is a lot), and instead looking for what’s right. I’m not saying that every guy needs to head out and find some bad idea starting point in a bar, club, facebook group, or vacation and start his search for a girlfriend there. I’m saying for me, well as much as I want to date, get serious with, and maybe one day allow myself to be complete(Sorry Tyler Durden) with a good girl who doesn’t have the issues that basically each bad girl did, the good girls are just not an option. I’m too bad for them, but not too good for their counterparts. So I’ll just keep pulling out chairs, opening doors, and respectfully treating bad girls right. Of course maybe one will go good and I can stop looking, but maybe the opposite will happen as well. For now Wale said it best, “The bad girls ain’t no good, and the good girls ain’t no fun.”

– THE Ruthless Wonder

Weekend With Ruthless On Relationships: A sub culture divided

The title is long but this won’t be. Frankly once I get passed my point on this there really isn’t much in the way of venom to spew or analysis to bring up. I want to talk to you about a subject I know will somehow become a target of hate emails, and unfollows, and unlikes, and unsubscribes, and I’m sure more than one or two long conversations about how it should not apply to the person on Facebook, that I will ultimately remind the person I don’t care.

I want to talk to you about why it seems like I’m going to have to date fewer black women.

Troll bait aside this is loaded as hell to talk about so let’s get to the explanation of that sentence above. As i discussed last week I’m an Ex-nerd. I don’t have as nerdy habits as I once did, and the label itself is misapplied. I have far transcended what I once was. But I have a very large attraction to Smart women. So much so that beyond just looking for intellect I look for women who like Doctor Who, and/or anime, and/or video games, and museums, and classical music, and Opera, and independent films, and films that aren’t easy to understand, who have or want to read intellectually stimulating books, as well as fantasy, and a lot of other stuff. While the last parts are relatively easy to get, the first 3 are very difficult. This has been made all the more difficult by my recent understanding of a trend in my online dating I strain to call alarming…alarming is too strong, let’s call it curious, weird, odd,  wait I know the best word…quixotic(go look it up).

While talking to the ladies who helped with Ex Nerd, I didn’t really notice a full on trend, but there was an interesting line of thinking from the non law school ladies I contacted. When we got done talking Nerd stories, we briefly talked relationships. Most were currently single or casually dating. All of the ones who were single were ones who also tended to not have a lot of boyfriends who share my amount of melanin(look it up, dunderhead). But I didn’t really pay attention to that until I was on my two favorite online dating sites. I say favorite because they provide me with validation of my dating rules, a quick way to see if I want to slow down the grind for a nice night of cool adventures in KC, and from time to time, fuel for this blog and a great laugh.

Kind of a combination effect happened this time though. I got a laugh and some ragey fuel for this blog. While on one of the sites I ran across a profile in my matches. I wasn’t interested in the woman romantically, but the info she had up said to me that I would be giving a friendly message for some of our mutual interests. But near the bottom I saw the infamous phrase that I don’t know exactly why I react so strongly too(I do, but we’ll get to that later). “I only date white guys.” Now I will admit that the part of my brain that has 90 minute arguments about scandal, and picks fights with anyone who hates interracial relationships was incensed. But I told it to calm down with the tried and true, “you didn’t like this chick anyway.” And I kept it moving. 5 or 6 profiles later, I hit a woman I wanted to contact for amorous purposes. Slightly nerdy, very intelligent, detailed profile, bunch of Doctor Who references, Tech N9ne fan(^S^!). Buuuuttt, what was in the end of her dating profile? “And before you start messaging me, I don’t date black guys.” Needless to say I was from an objective standpoint pissed quote “the fuck” unquote off. But subjectively I was about to say next and keep it moving but the conversations with the ladies before popped up in my brain.

SO I did some mostly unscientific research. Taking POF, Chemistry, and Match, and for my control Geek2Geek(Yeah I took it there in the name of psuedo-science) I went on a look to see how often this applied to the demographic I was wanting to view. Since some of you haven’t caught on, the ex-nerds and these two profiles were black women(Address all hate mail to THE Ruthless Wonder @ So after approximately 57 unique profiles because some were on all 4,  45 had similar language to the effect of I don’t date black men or I only date white men. I call that odd. My boss calls it curious, because he believes odd is slanderous in this case. But we agree that it is an interesting thing. Logically that doesn’t make a ton of sense. If one is part of a sub culture why ostrasize part of that sub culture arbitrarily and capriciously for the one element of their lives that they have absolutely no control over? Isn’t that just having the same bigoted attitude that would look down on them for dating inter-racially?

We had a long car ride to talk about it and a bunch of off shoot conversations. But that brought me back to this odd topic for a blog. If you’re a black intellectual who considers themself a nerd or geek, and all of these women did, and you won’t date people who look like you, or only date one race of people, you’re just as bad as the black women who have, do, and will hate and email me for my enjoyment of dating more than just black women(You kiss one 5’10 blonde near one group of black women and everyone loses their minds…okay more like 3, and some red heads, and a couple Japanese girls, and Brazilian, and an awkward moment with a Filipino friend of a friend.). I might even feel comfortable enough in my position to say these women are worse than said black women haters of all things interracial. That is self hate, that is close minded, and for someone who is part of a sub culture, it isn’t logical, rational, or progressive to think that way. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea(but am I your shot of Whiskey), so I don’t mind them not being into me. But to assume every black guy who will contact you will be the same as the metaphorical, stereotypical version you made up in your head is just as racist as the non black women who’s profiles say No black guys, and start with something like “I’m not racist but…” Just the reality of the situation. And why I can see fewer black ex and current nerds/geeks on my list of women to enjoy amorous endeavors with. And should this continue, I can see my give a shit meter falling about it.

SO if you feel like I’m talking about you. And yeah I probably am, feel free to present your side, feel free to send your hate emails, and feel free to make another facebook status where you try to stealthily not name me but talk about everything I said in some stupid attempt to keep your friends from reading. Newsflash, they may be telling you okay I won’t read, but they are the ones who have become our super fans. I’d say more but clearly…Words Don’t Do It Justice.

-THE Ruthless Wonder


I must apologize. Once again i’ve been unable to post on a Monday, which sucks because i had something good planned to follow up my tin foil moment, but computer problems have left me defeated, until now. Problem is, now i have something important to talk about, so i’ll have to come back to the other side of the hat.

Guilt. There are few, very few things that I simply cannot handle, guilt is one of those things. Guilt is a character breaker, it’s a position shifter, a neutralizer, and sometimes the only thing that saves those so called ‘bad guys’. If i feel guilty, then i do whatever I deem reasonably fair to alleviate that feeling. If I have to pay money, fine, do a favor, ok, the price will be paid. But this time is different. I’d love to tell you how it’s different, how I am stuck with this feeling that brings me nothing but discomfort and thoughts of unbearable shame, but i cannot. It is not my story to tell. What i can tell you however, is that this guilt is something more than just a bad feeling, it’s a teacher. I’ve been humbled by it, and reminded that all the things i’ve ever spoke about justice, perspective, right and wrong, freedom and tyranny all coming back proved true in my eyes.

I’ve done actions, that I knew would make one party collapse, that would wound this person like never before, a chink in the armor never poked, prodded, or even glimpsed. These actions, no matter how well intended, no matter how noble they seemed or right, or just, brought this person to ruin. Some of you know of The Law of Equivalent Exchange, a constant in the world of Full Metal Alchemist, but for those of you that do not listen up: “In order to obtain or create something, something of equal value must be lost or destroyed.” That is the Law and though you think it fictional, i find that it rings true in my life, not simply because it’s pretty much the same thing as ‘The Law of Conservation of Mass‘, but because every time i find someone happy with a decision, there is always another that is sad. For every one person happy with the president, there is another unhappy. Simple see? So how could i forget that to set one man free is to enslave another? How could I forget that for every revolutionary there is a patriot? For every cause a opposition.

Guilt. I am stuck with this feeling, this i know for sure. No tonic will numb the pain, no herb to cure it’s potency, no pill to scramble its message. I am guilty because my actions have brought disorder to one just as it has brought order to the other. For one I saved, the other I damed. No man sees himself as the antagonist. Hitler thought he was doing great things for his countrymen, or so he claims. Wasn’t Vader trying to save his loved ones? How many crazed shooters see themselves not as mad men but men riding the world of filth? How many terrorist see their victims as unholy or unnatural? But again i digress. This time is different because I knew the pain it would cause, i knew the trouble it would bring, but in the end i made my decision, and i will suffer the effects of it for time untold, but for all you freedom fighters, for all you wannabe heroes, a warning. Freedom has a price, and if anyone tells you differently they are either fools or conspirators. Everything comes with a price, some you pay, some others foot the bill, and though you might not see them suffer know that they are there. We truly never know how far the ripple spreads, how deep the devastation goes. Forgive me readers. Forgive me to those I have slated, I only do what i think to be right, what i thought to be fair, what i felt to be noble. But there is nothing i can say to express the depths of my guilt and pain…words just don’t do it justice.