Green Grass and Bright Lights – Lucrémo Episode 3: Wunderkind?

Coach’s office


Yes coach?

While Julian is out I want you to really focus. You told me you’re healed up so I expect to see you take it to the next level. These next few matches aren’t all important so I’m going to save you for the cup matches mostly, but tomorrow I need you for as long as you can keep standing.

Yes sir.

I mean it.


Yes Matt?

If we’re up heavy will I get to stay in?

Of course. I want you really stretch into a late game. It’ll build your stamina.

Thanks coach. See you out there.

wunderkind paper


“Okay after a piece like that I’m never getting another red card man. Who the hell are we now? Shinji’s attendants? They were praising you last week. And they still aren’t mentioning how badass Terrence is.”

“Don’t worry guys, I’m a defenseman, that I’m not in the paper says more.”

“Better than all the promises about cards man, come help me beat Spain again. You got the letter. I know Klinsmann called again. Put on the colors man.”

“Matt has a point. Not to mention it could make you a lot of money and we could get out of this place into a better living arrangement.”

“Deal, but you’re buying the steaks this weekend T. We have to celebrate the new era in International futbol…”


Well folks it is that time again. And I get to break some news. Go buy your USA jerseys for my newest teammate…JULIAN GREEN!

Who cares about my various goals, or any of the other fun happenings here in Exeter. You heard it here first. Julian Green is joining the US men’s national team. Now let’s see if the manager picks him for the Spain match. I’d stay to talk more but that’s big news and Words Don’t Do It Justice. So I’m out for now. Peace Love and Lucrémo!

Saturday Night at The Arena

“So you guys are those footballers with the videos?”

“Yeah he is, we just like making fun of him while he does it, and he hates editing us out.”

“So forget all that, why don’t you come back to our place let’s keep the party going.”

“Can my other girls come with us?”

“How many of you all came along?”


“I like that number.”

“Why’s that?”

“That’s TJ’s number.”

“The Dutch Devil will be glad to say yes now.”

“Only if it is okay with you King Lucrémo”

“HAHAHA Ladies lets get out of here and party.”


November 23, 2013 – New York City, New York, USA

“So do you like being called Matt or Lucrémo?”

“Hahaha are you serious Zusi? I don’t know that I’ve earned the right to be called that by you guys.”

“After the last match you played in I’m sure the next group will be calling you captain.”

“Oh no, you’re Captain America Tim, I’m just the kid you guys help look like less of a schmuck. For confusion sake use it or I guess my middle name, Since there are two Matthews playing now.”

“So I have to ask. How did you convince Julian to switch?”

“We’re flatmates, we talked about it all the time. Finally it just seemed like a good idea to him. Now I may have made all the US squads on FIFA have him, and keep switching his wallpapers to an American flag but that’s it.”

“And I was tired of him getting free flights while I was stuck eating take-away in Exeter.”

“HAHAHA. Exactly.”

“FELLAS, Let’s focus!”

Klinsmann walks in like he might turn into an acoustic guitar player or yell at us angrily in German any second. He’s cool but intense, and today I’m not certain he isn’t going to do a bit of both. We’re riding high after the last time we trained and had a match together. Spain wanted a rematch, and we are about to see if lightning can strike twice. And I get to team up with Julian and Jozy Altidore. Graham Zusi wants to chat about something after dinner tonight so it might be about things from back home in Kansas City. Maybe Sporting KC is going to put a bid in? Man I gotta calm down and get into the zone. Where’s my Tech N9ne playlist?


Skype Call to TJ

“So we all start going out the exit to go to dinner and Graham is like “I think I’m buying this one for both of you, and in walks, swear to God Almighty himself, Thierry Henry.”

“And of course Matt turns into a hero-worshiping child before my eyes. Turns out he was there watching the match because of the last time when we played in Spain.”

“He motions to the 3 of us to come with him. and he’s got a car outside waiting. We finally stop and get out. Its Peter Luger‘s.”

“Turns out it is like half happy for you meal, and half checking up on this kid.”

“Whatever, we got to beat Spain again, get some crazy number of assists and goals and then free steak dinner with one of the best to put cleats on.”

Like I said hero-worship.

“So what was scoreline? The manager isn’t letting us watch it while we warm up for our friendly with Japan.”

“I got 2, Zusi got 1, Jozy got 2, and “The King” got a hat trick. And we basically split on the assists for all those goals, he got the assists for mine and Zusi, and I got them for one of his and both of Jozy’s. Another Spanish Shutout.”

“SHIT! I gotta go, Robin wants to address everybody before the Manager comes down. See you guys back at the flat.”

“Good luck bro!”


Dec. 8, 2013

Folks I have to tell you I am so glad that I play for an english team in this part of the country when winter really gets going. Nothing against the North, but I got a lot of cold winters as a kid back home in Missouri, and Spain did spoil me a bit on that. I know I’ve skipped a few games again, but I didn’t have a lot to tell you since I didn’t play until the Capital One Cup match Wednesday with Watford and the FA Cup match with Wolverhampton yesterday. You I’m sure saw the stats somewhere so I won’t go into them again. Plus it sounds really arrogant to talk about how I got two more hat tricks and 3 more assists while we beat both teams 5 nil. But I wanted tell you guys about all the rumors you are reading. 

Big secret it seems, but we read and hear that all the time. Super T is wondering if he’s going to get sold first with all of his clean sheets and tackles. I guess I should be worried, but I never get to spend a whole game on the pitch so I don’t think I’m going anywhere. Though I did love all the Please don’t sell my Lu Cre Mo, chants. And the amount of teasing in the locker room you caused will probably never go away. All of us except big bro Matt Oakley seem to be headed elsewhere now. He says he’ll probably retire at the end of the year, but for now no midfield worries. But yeah keep the cheering up for all of us, especially the Fraternal Order of Fly Fellas: Super T, Lil Green(DBZ Abridged is hilarious), and Peace Love and Lucrémo!


December 15, 2013

“You wanted to see me sir?”

“Yes Lucrémo, First I wanted to tell you we loved that last performance. You and Juilian and Shinji really worked them over, and your assist work has been stellar lately. What I wanted to talk to you about is the video blogging you are doing on youtube.”

“What about it?”

“Well the bosses and I are fine with it, but with the transfer window coming we’d like you to avoid talking about anything you hear and of course rumors in our locker room. It is okay to poke a bit of fun at the papers, but some things are strategic, even the rumors themselves.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well like yesterday’s J Paint Trophy match with Crewe Alexandra. Do you understand why there was a compliment about you from their manager?”

“To throw me off my game?”

“Yes, possibly, but also to see if you make yourself available. If you take the compliment, have a great game like you did. seriously, I don’t know where you find these goals let alone those 4 from yesterday. but anyway. If you do that and respond on your vlog about how nice it was to talk to him, maybe you ask for a transfer, and they can use that as leverage to get you away from us.”

“So you don’t want me to talk at all anymore?”

“No no no, keep going with it. My daughter’s love it. But just don’t give anymore official word.”

“You mean like when I got to announce that Julian was coming to the USMNT?”

“Not like it, but because of it. See now that you’ve done that you are probably being watched by all the sports news folks to see what else you let out. They may even start trying to pay you guys money for leads. And that can cause problems.”

“So you’re going to pay me to not talk basically?”

“Well don’t think of your goal bonuses as hush money. Think of them as a constant reminder that we know how amazingly special you are, and how important you are to not just the team, but to Exeter itself.”

Jan. 7, 2014 after the Bristol Rovers match

“Guys what the fuck?”

“Can it kid.”

“No fuck that. I’m dead tired because we had to play with 8 men for 40 minutes. I get it, you thought he red on Shinji was crap. I thought it was crap to, but you two knew this ref was being a prick and you still took guys down from behind. Its Bristol fucking ROVERS, there was never a question of if we were going to win. All you did today was make us look like bullies.”

“You’re not the fucking captain Matt.”

“Yeah and you barely deserve to be called that after that game, Coles. Unless you are going to tell me you have some long-standing beef with that guy, it was uncalled for and you fucking know it.

“What are you worried about? They’re going to sell you and your friend Julian to some big league club now that the window is open. Don’t act like you’ve been here since we got out of Conference Premier play.”

“If they sell me it won’t be because I put a request in.” 

“Yeah yeah, we’ll fucking see won’t we.”

“Another bullshit payback move that gets a red like that Parkin and you won’t be seeing for a while.”

“Did the teenager just threaten me?”

“I’m not afraid of guys taller and bigger than me, what makes you think I’d be afraid of you? Cut the crap so we can win, or YOU put in the transfer request.”

“Yeah Parkin. We’re with the kid.”

“You’re with the kid? Shinji’s going to PSG or Man City according to the papers, TJ to Bayern Munich, Julian to Monaco, and this kid you all are backing is going to have Manchester United Red on before this month is over. Don’t come crying to me when your temporary leader leaves you all behind. EVERYBODY leaves this team at first chance. He’s no different.”

“That’s where you are wrong, he is different. And yeah those new guys in the front office might just sell him off without him getting a say. But until that happens we are supposed to be helping build him up. We are supposed to work together. You guys could have caused us to lose out there. Down to 8 men? When he put us up 4 to nil I was still worried there might be an onslaught. Keep your heads in the game or find a new club. Or in Coles’ case, if you can’t hack that armband anymore hand it off and go find a new club.”


“Walking off in a huff just proves you’re a twat Parkin. Sorry about all that kid.”

“Sorry about how angry I was O’Flynn.”

Nah, you were right to be. This isn’t Parkin’s first time doing that after all. You okay? How’s your legs?”

“I could use a leg massage, and some ice. And probably a ride home honestly Keohane.”

“I would be happy to give the king and his roommates a ride.”

“HAHA, thanks asshole.”

“I am honored your highness.”

“HA whatever. Let’s grab some Chinese on the way. I’m insanely hungry.”

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