Green Grass and Bright Lights Episode 1: Peace, Love, and Lucrémo

unstoppable lucremoLooking at the headline I still can’t really believe I did it. “America and Barca have trained a monster on the pitch.” one of the other papers had said. I didn’t know what to expect from a cup match, afterall I hadn’t been there long enough to play in one at Barca. Everything moved so slow. Julian and Terrance had also gotten in a goal a piece and the two assists to Shinji ensured I wasn’t being called too much of a ball hog. But there it was in black and white. Did this city really like me this much? “Maybe I should stick around for a while,” I thought.

This week has been a bit weird preparation wise, the nice couple who is letting us rent this furnished apartment wanted us to stay at a hotel for a couple days while they do some bug killing. Honestly I don’t get paid enough to get something lavish so Super T(lol he hates this nickname) and I split the family suite at the Telstar. 50 pounds a piece for some peace and quiet isn’t bad.

Still we have another game this weekend. And I’m honestly a bit tired. I know I need to keep playing to not have more worries about my fitness but damnit…

Sept 1. Wycombe is probably going to be like the match with Bury after what happend. Shinji missed a penalty wide to the left really early on, but came back with one later. Julian crushed this solo shot in the 33rd minute and Terrance grabbed one in 40th before I even got good space to take on their keeper with a chip in the 2nd minute of stoppage. But the second half of the game was wild. I tacked on 2 more for a hattrick and right in the 89th we made one more fun run with me and Julian. Someon will call it piling on I’m sure. But I laid an early cross in to his far side and smacked a bicycle kick that I hope someone took a picture of. I have the best roommates in the world. How do we say good job? You get to play with the non-shitty PS3 controller.

“Dude stop blogging and check this out.” a voice said from behind me.

“I’m not done yet. Crap I’ll have to edit this out, what is it Julian?” I said to one of my flatmmates while pausing the camera recording.

“Well it appears your insane match against Bury and that hattrick yesterday weren’t enough for praise from the big boys. AHEM. Exeter man Shinji Kagawa was rightfully named Player of the Month after a stunning run of form the last few games. The transplant during the new ownership’s splashy summer is proving to be the best out there. He and his teammate Danny Coles have put on great displays that will surely make it hard for the League 2 side to hold on to them throught January, much less the summer.”

“Got it.” I wasn’t happy, apparently my face shows that very easily. I’ll never be good at poker at this rate. How do you respond to that kind of snub after everyone in town was damn near making you king a few days ago?

“You look like shit suddenly man, are you okay?” two flat mates, two people to call you out on suddenly moping.

“Yeah Terrance, I was just hoping for some good news since I won’t be headed out for the friendly.”

“Klinsmann snubbed you again? Man, I’m going to say something. If he wants me, he needs to bring you too.” Julian was doing that thing where he cheers me up while taking a stand metaphorically. Even if I don’t get on to the national team I will disown him if he doesn’t play.

“He’s been after you?”

“Yeah you know how the whole eligibility thing goes. Since I haven’t played beyond the youth team for Germany I can still switch.” It was true. If you don’t play senior level for a country you can switch. I’ve been working on him to play for America. If this keeps up he’ll make it and I’ll watch from my mom’s house.

“Are you going to?”

“Not if you’re going to be snubbed like this.” Loyalty is impossible to truly buy, and when you have it, I swear to God it is priceless.

“Guys let’s go get some dinner and try and forget about this.” Terrence was always smart about getting the bad topics out of the way,

“Good plan. I like this plan.”

“Okay but let me finish this vlog and then I’ll be ready to go.

So I got bad news on top of bad news here. There is an International friendly coming up for the United States Men’s National Team as they gear up for the World Cup. I thought since we don’t have a major game that week I would get selected so Klinsmann could at least see if wants me for the team. Nope. I’ll be right here in Exeter getting ready for the Capital One Cup match against Leeds United. And despite the local fishwrap love, no mentions on Bleacher Report, ESPN, Sky or anyone else of what I’ve been doing. They have been paying attention to Shinji though. He’s been named League 2 player of the month. And he and Danny Coles have been getting rumours they are going to be the darlings of the transfer market. The fellas and I aren’t worried. We did great, but if everyone starts bolting we’re not going to get stuck holding the bag. For now, time to grab a pint and chat up some birds. Did I say that right? I need some more time to get down all the slang. Peace, Love, and Lucrémo people.”

This sucks to be honest, but this vlog idea is turning out okay. the intro piece got a mention in the college paper, I’ll have to remember it when we go out this weekend, well or when we end up drinking after dinner tonight. I can feel the Arena calling me out. Perhaps I can drown my sorrows in red hair, long legs, and a pair of Double Ds. If only my luck were so good…


“So you’re all footballers? What are you doing in this town? You must not be that good…” her laugh at the end said the charm was already working. And yeah black hair not red but I’m not that damn picky. GAME ON!

“My man here is the “American Dynamo” Julian Green. My guy Terrence Kongolo here is nicknamed the Dutch Decimator. You’ll be seeing them on TV soon. …at the World Cup.” mostly true. okay semi true, but come on, at least I’m not saying I’ll be there.

“So they’re good, but you’re shit?” I was hoping she wouldn’t notice that. For fucks sake time for plan b. That was not just a playful jab. I gotta scramble.

“Well I do have 2 things going for me.” Come on ask me what, ask me what. You know you wanna ask me what.

“Okay yankee I’ll bite, what are they?” Ladies and gentlemen, Lucremo is one on one with the keeper.

“You coming to my flat now, so I can show you the other.” Shot’s on target. Can he? Will he? She’s reaching for me. I think he just might…


“Yeah you ready to go?” I could say I’m not grining like an incredulous asshole right now, but people, She’s hot! She got the joke. And I’m Lucremo. You knew I was smiling before I said I was.

“I fucking love this town some days.” I whisper into Julian’s ear before she and I head out. 1 for 3 on the day ain’t bad. If this was baseball I’d be getting congratulatory hugs right now.


Sept 3, 2014

I woke up today to news that Barca was crushing La Liga at the moment sitting at 5 and 0. Guess they won’t come calling for me anytime soon. Meanwhile I got what I’m calling an assisttrick from now on not matter how dumb terrence thinks it sounds against Leeds United in the Captial One Cup. Julian grabbed this massive goal in like 4 minutes and Shinji the destroyer of headlines got a hattrick. I like the guy seriously, but I was hoping to bounce back better and he is ahead of me by one on goals so far this season. I got 2 goals so I’m not really behind, but you know what I’m saying, If he’s the man, I gotta be better than him to be the man. Parkin who usually gets brought on as my sub got us in a problem situation with a red card late after picking up a second yellow. I understood though. He was sticking up for me. You think racism is dead play Leeds ona a random night. You will no longer be convinced. Super T grabbed a stoppage time goal in the 93rd just to make sure they know who ripped their heart out. But who gets talked about in the papers? The other Matt. Matt Oakley. And he deserved it. Dude was everywhere and he didn’t even score. I asked him to help me out with tackling this week at practice. Gotta use the resources you have right? Besides if he retires I don’t know who’s going to shore things up right for us. Peace Love and Lucrémo people.


September 27th, 2013

Its been a while. I hope you all haven’t forgotten about me. Well the Manager wanted me to rest up the last couple weeks since he thought my performance was hurting. And it paid off. Don’t worry, while you were away I didn’t get selected for the national team. but I figured I’d catch you guys up. Shinji and Julian have been getting loads of attention and accolades while I’ve been rested. But when the rest time ended I came out to put on a show. Let me set the scene for you if you haven’t seen already.

Everton is hosting us for the Capital One Cup. But they start out kinda sluggish, they were behind a couple of passes, and the manager told me to “turn up” the moment we have the ball. I wasn’t sure if he was serious. But I took a shot from wide left from about 30 yards aiming for the high inside upper 90. It curled so pretty and Tim Howard looked at me like he didn’t believe me. The second one was all Julian’s assist. We got a corner in the 15th or 16th minute and this ball seemed to just be floating for a space on the far side. No one was going to be in the spot so I ran for it. I think he wants my bike kick for his wall now. And the next one I don’t really remember. I was working on a defender and spun around him. Then suddenly BOOM! it was off my foot and into goal.

The Boss was nervous during the quick huddle and he said to park it but…well I could’t leave Shinji hanging, I may be in a friendly cmpetition with him, but when I got out wide I just had to cross it in to him, so now he’s just 2 bhind me after that one in the 45+2 minute. Parkin piled on with a goal in the 73rd minute and then did some disrespectful shit to Tim. You probably saw the violin playing motion right in front of Howard. And then he picks up a red in the 81st for what? Revenge? DId he want to play at Everton or something and they snubbed him? Anyway we fended off Everton’s relentless buildups and shots from Lukaku and Barkley. After the match I talked to Tim Howard and said I was sorry my teammate acted that way. He gave me his Keeper jersey for mine. And in the locker room I told Parkin that shit was classless and unneccessary. We’ll see how that goes.

“Yo are you still on there? I said you have mail. Its from…oh shit its from Klinsmann, man. Open it up.”

“Hand it to me Julian. Might as well keep filming. Well here we go folks. Guess I’ll be telling you this one first.

Hello Matthew, or should I just say Lucrémo? I wanted to send you a letter personally but I’ll be calling later.

“Get to the point Matt.” Terrence has a point.

“I want to see you bring your game to the US Men’s National Team …in the upcoming Friendlies with Wales and Spain.

“YEAH!” My brothers in arms sometimes we yell loudly.

“HELL YES!” I’m excited too. We started shouting “OOOOOOOOH OOOOOOOH” and doing this dance we came up with for goal scoring. Its silly, it’ll get better.

“Folks I’m outta here, we’re going to celebrate. Be sure to watch for me on tv, Peace Love and Lucrémo!”


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