Confessions of a career fat boy
One of the more interesting and annoying comments I get from my pieces, my podcast, or honestly at times in person is some form of “But you’re fat.” As if that actually means something to me. Here’s what I’m talking about. I recently was looking through my gmail account that I have all hate emails addressed to THE Ruthless Wonder sent to. (Send all hate emails to YourRuthlessWonder@gmail.com) and I came across a message from someone who says they are a woman. I’ll take that at face value. Without going into deep detail, she explained she didn’t care about my opinion about women who put “only date white men” in their dating profiles because “no one wants to date your fatass anyway.”
As far as insults go, that is pretty tame. But I paid attention when a male emailer said the same thing. I think these people(who are statistically speaking probably reading this right now) believe that my weight somehow keeps me from dating, and generally is a way to attack me. Let me clear the record. Dating is never a problem. Hasn’t been since I realized there are women who won’t date me. And I don’t care about them. And there are women who will date me. And they are far more than the first category. But this insult in particular is so old at this point I’m not certain the people using it actually know who the hell they are talking to.
I’m a career fat boy. That means I was lineman in high school, the big kid in middle school, and chubby in elementary. I was even the adorably chubby toddler/baby. Calling me fat is like saying it gets cold in the winter time anywhere north of the mason-dixon. Yeah we know. SO? It isn’t even an insult at this point. When you also here the same “You’re fat” from your doctor, it just sounds like more medical blabbering. If you want to hurt my feelings remind me Sony still gets to make Spiderman movies. Or that Tom Hardy isn’t playing Rick Flag anymore. Or that Constantine might not get a second season on NBC.
It should be abundantly clear on this website I generally don’t care what you have to say unless you have actual criticism of the piece I’ve done, and of course some evidence to back up your claims. Being a career fat boy has hardened me against basically insults. And I’d wager half of your alleged dudes saying it couldn’t hold up for a 2-minute round in ring with me. Much less a chess match. Much less an intellectual debate over ANY and ALL issues.
So why do I address this? Well oddly enough this was supposed to be similar to my odd confessions piece last year. So let’s get to things that I have to confess to as a career fat boy.
1. I hate the idea of diet soda, but force myself to drink it when it is forced on me – most of the time at home if I want a soda I have to abstain for the blood sugar reasons. So when I go out to eat or drink with friends I tend to say okay, special situation, let’s have a couple pops and make it a day. Often without telling me, the waitstaff will switch said soda for diet soda. Or a friend who thinks they are helping will. Beyond being absolutely annoying. It throws off a ton of the diabetic things I have to do(seriously most of my crashes are due to someone taking kill him with kindness too far), and I generally hate the taste. I want the soda because I wanted a soda. Not an attempt to make things seem like soda. But I drink it. Because it is far easier than the long, intervention like discussion, that will be had “because I care about you Matt and I want you to do something better for you.”
2. I lean forward in pictures if I can help it – Most photos that I seem more intense, or stately in are because I learned the trick of leaning forward. I look more intimidating. And it balances out my weight a tad. If I’m leaning back it is because someone caught me off guard, or I was mid laugh, or I wanted to seem more jovial. Just a thing I do. ALL the time.
3. I’m more comfortable leaning against something with a slight sit, than I am sitting, laying, or straight up standing – Oddly this isn’t about laziness, or rest. I just don’t like sitting down. I feel like I should be doing something important if I’m sitting down. I like leaning because I’m doing something. It makes me feel like I’m half into the scene around me, and half in my own head thinking. And yes after all these years I’m just comfortable like that.
4. If you slowed the hell down I would walk with you just about anywhere – My endurance was crap when I’ve been injuried(back and knees), but otherwise walking is something I like doing. So I can walk just about anywhere. I just walk at my pace. Keep my pace and we can stroll all kinds of places.
5. Steak over cake – Look there are people who would be considered fat who have massive sweet tooths. Me? I’m not one of them. I like desserts like the next person. But a great steak. A good burger, some tasty lamb, veal, or pork is going to be a lot more rave worthy with some grapes after it, than a cold sandwich and a magnificent cake. You can season, and grill a steak, and I might just listen to anything you have to say.
6. I love wearing suits – Nothing big here, I just love wearing a suit. It makes me feel more powerful. Even more dominant than usual. Some thing are just that simple.
7. Before I had a ruthless revolution, I still wasn’t a jolly fatman – We’ll end today here because it is a good point to stop. But it is odly perplexing that people think because I have been a career fat boy that I’m somehow formerly a fat happy guy who turned into the arrogant prick with a superiority complex you see before you. Don’t let the million watt smile fool you. I wasn’t as vocal in my disdain for idiots when I was younger. And I didn’t have a penchant for actually telling you I’m smarter than you when I was a lad. But I’ve always known most of the people I was forced to be around were not my intellectual equals, and the ones that were would either absolutely love, be loyal to, and adore me as friends, or loathe me as enemies.
Because that is how it goes. I read the art of war before I was done with the 7th grade and wrote a book report on it talking about how to use it socially. I read more books each year even now than most people have in their life. I’m not jaded, bored, or envious. I’m driven and focused and always have been. So the class clown fat guy looking for attention was never my deal. I know those guys. I’m friends with them. But lumping me into that category is just funny to me. Because I’ve never fit it. But that doesn’t mean I’m unable to relax. I actively make it a point to relax, and feel at least for a time free of all the seriousness. Because I know that I don’t allow myself to not be serious often.
That’s all for today. Look for more from us, and a special piece from me Wednesday while Reign is on vacation. Because…Words Don’t Do It Justice!