“It really is a pleasure when I can give you guys a debut filled with fun. Obviously Reason, Kudo, Reign, and myself are great entertainment and thought provoking commentary, but I predict you will LOVE our new addition. I can neither confirm nor deny she has an oversized mallet. But you should probably read her intro and keep coming back anyway…just to make sure you’re on the safe side. And with that introduction out of the way…”
The Dr. is in…
Here’s the deal…
Three years ago, I made the decision to ruin my life. What does that mean? I decided to go to law school. Okay, okay, I know saying I ruined my life is really dramatic, so I’ll try this again. *ahem* Three years ago, I decided to channel all of my Type A personality traits into becoming a lawyer. But what I’ve learned is law school is not the place for anyone who remotely enjoys being different…which is something I enjoy very, very, VERY much. I’m the funny girl, that’s just what I do. I find ways to cloak just about anything in puns, funny movie quotes, sarcasm, and any joke that highlights my obsession and fascination with irony.
Basically, you can think of me as Chandler from “Friends” with boobs. Aside from that, I’m oddly bohemian while managing to be obsessed with my dream of having Donatella Versace offering me a tab at Versace stores worldwide because we’re best friends. Oh! Did I mention I’m an artist? I probably seem bipolar, but trust me, I’m the sanest person you’ll ever meet…depending on who you’ve met, I guess. Plus, aren’t we all just balls of contradictions trying to force ourselves into boxes? But that’s too freakin’ philosophical to discuss right now, kids.
So, what led me to believe these things about law school? Here’s a scenario for ya: To quote Sophia from “Golden Girls,” picture it, 2015 in a drafty and dull classroom with stadium seating. A practice final is being taken by 20 students. When each one completes the final, they slam their pencils down to let you know they just killed that thing in a way that takes a massive shit on your life!! Of course, from that statement, you can discern that the person who finishes last has just revealed they have IBS, thus the others have started judging them as weak and faulty on their poor timing alone. Now, picture the “speedy finishers” collectively finding passive-aggressive ways to tell the IBSers to get their colons together.
That, my friends, is law school. It’s the place where the intelligent come to work out their inferiority complexes through actively trying to make others feel inferior. After all, who the fuck wants to cry alone? Sharing is caring, yo! Now, imagine you’ve had three years of that judgment, scrutiny, and competition where only 10% of people leave feeling like Tony Montana is personally constructing “The World is Yours” statues in the mansions their GPA indicates they are bound to own? What are you once you leave such an environment? An attorney? No. A tired individual? Yes and no. Sallie Mae’s bitch? You (literally) bet your life you are! In other words, YOU’RE A FREAKIN’ PSYCHOTIC VILLAIN!!! *maniacal laugh, cough, eye roll, break to put on lipstick*
Since we live in a voyeuristic culture where we all want to know what makes everyone tick, feel free to keep up with me here as I chronicle what it’s like to be quirky, fabulously-weird, sarcastic, and (sadly) in law school…all while trying to fight becoming a complete villain.
If you just said to yourself, “Wow, this chick is actually saying she’s the personification of the villain version of the Kinsey scale?!”, I’ll have you know you’re correct and also my kinda person!
xoxo (but not really!),