So I’m still waiting on the other folks I wanted to do the rest of this series with to get back to me. Since they haven’t yet, I wanted to make sure this gem of me and Rebellionista got up for you all. And since Wednesdays are open for now, Why not on a Wednesday? So here we go.
Dating in the current form it has taken seems to allow for a lot of fluidity. Skype Dates, sexting, snapchat, and what have you. They all seem to bring more access to a person of the person they are interested in. Do you think that helps the process, or just makes it more easy to screw up?
Ruthless: Since I’m the guy on this one I want to start by saying I don’t have the most modern view of dating. I grew up with my parents and their friends comments on dating which ultimately took a view of be as gentleman like as possible, don’t do certain annoying habits of yours and the like. So when I hopped into the dating game(hella late oddly enough), I added a bit of life at the time. But when I hopped out and went on shall we say a hiatus, I didn’t come back with the best of views of some of the things we do now. I had to grow into them. So for me, I see more screw up than help in the way things roll.
Here’s what I mean. I hate the idea of skype dates. I think they are lazy as hell. You didn’t want to leave your location and hang with me, or I didn’t want to leave my location and hang with you, but we’re going to talk via computer, and not look each other in the face because the camera is slightly above or below the eyeline of the screen. It reminds me of the days when we used to claim to talk on the phone, but really just stayed there half sleep breathing as kids.
Sexting is not a bad idea in theory, but I fear it because I’m given to my “habits” and would hate to go over a woman’s line on accident. I do see it as a potential issue though. The same way as former online RP forum owner I saw a similar issue. Is sexting/online rping with someone you don’t or can’t meet cheating? If the sexting is just that, some textual foreplay with a person you’re going to meet, okay you’re cheating, if its some sexual back and forth cause you both are bored and half a country away…my give a shit meter is pretty empty. I mean tell me, but I’m going to need more to fire up the betrayal engine.
Rebillionista: you’re completely the cynical one, aren’t you, Ruthless?
well, i completely used to agree with you, sir. skype date?! are you kidding me?! but then it hit me, in our global economy, some couples have not just bi-coastal relationships, but also interconintental relationships. why, if that’s the person you want to be with, would you compromise? sometimes, getting a new job isn’t always possible right away, so things like skype dates allow couples to watch movies and have conversations that wouldn’t otherwise be possible. long story short, i’m pro-skype dates. but good luck trying to date me if we aren’t in the same city at least most of the time.
sexting? yep, bad idea in theory and in practice. is it hot? YES. does it get the job done? no.
is it cheating? yes.
why? because i, personally, view emotional cheating as cheating. i know other people do not. do i think that there’s a gray line? you betcha. i’ll err on the side of an amazing opinion: i can’t define it, but i know it when i see it. textual foreplay, would include in my definition of emotion cheater, regardless of whether or not there is intent to have sexual relations with that woman.
and because you know how i love stories to illustrate my point…
i used to date a dude when i lived in kansas the first time. we had actually met years prior when we both lived elsewhere. anyway, we awkwardly ran into each other, and decided that we should grab a drink. this turned into bowling. which turned into dinner. which turned into kisses. which turned into one hot summer fling. with lots of sexting. years later, we ran into each other again [in the great white north] and he wanted me to get this thing called snapchat. he’d just separated from his wife [that he didn’t have before!] and hasn’t filed for divorce. is it ‘cheating’ if we snapchat? probably not. that relationship is emotionally over. but am i comfortable taking lewd photos of myself for a dude who i barely know anymore. also, i’m not much of a lewd photo taker, so that didn’t help his case.
what’s the point? his argument: we both travel a lot for work. my argument: we were not dating, and we don’t do things people who date do when we are in the same town [ie. i didn’t give it up]. soooooo…
do i think a girl is a slut because she chooses to take lewd photos of herself? absolutely not. but do i think that she should be ready for other people to think that she’s a slut? completely and utterly.
To pick her up, or to meet there on the first date? what would you prefer?
Rebellionista: ha. i always meet there. why? because my first dates are this: online, dudes i met in a bar [or near a bar] or the occassional blind date that i don’t even know is a date until i show up. to be picked up and driven requires a certain level of trust that this man probably hasn’t achieved yet.
end game: there’s a safety factor every girl has to have. i always tell at least 2 people when i’m going on a first date. i tell them the time we’re meeting, and probably the place.
Ruthless: And this is the moment I sound 20 years older than I am. I feel rather…well I “feel some type of way” when a woman wants to meet me at the location. First date or otherwise. I’m not asking to come in your house, or play elevator bingo, but you saying. “I’ll meet you there” sounds a lot like “You’re too creepy, but I want this free meal at Morton’s.” Just a thing. I clearly have been wrong, but I still feel like I’m playing from behind in that scenario. Because being comfortable enough with me to ride in my ride is something that lets me know how I’m doing, what kind of music you like, if I can take you on a road trip as part of a vacation, where you live so I don’t get lost(that was very Florida specific, no place in KCMO exists I cannot find quickly), what kind of neighborhood you live in, places to get gas if I’m coming by from work and the tank is a bit too close to that red line of death, you know…stuff that crosses an overthinking gentleman’s mind(someone is laughing about that bit).
When we meet there, I’m instantly out of date preparation mode as well. I’ve already tried to wipe the world’s most smug self-satisfied super smile off my face, cause yeah, to a degree I still get hyped when its an actual date(more on that later), and now I have to wait, or worse be running late, and my crazy overthinking, legal genius, Ruthless brain gets to think through everything? Shit’s not fair I swear. Plus again it takes me out of date element. Which is by my nature separate from my everyday element, and certainly from this blog element.
Both of you have dealt with Online dating. What’s the thing that makes you continue to attempt it, or has made you stop doing it?
Ruthless: Man I gotta quit this stuff. Its addictive like meth and crack cocaine I swear. When the online dating site lets you screen who can email you, who can see your profile, who can search for you, who can favorite you, who can chat you up, and then let’s you make searches so specific you think this might be how the NSA searches for moles and terrorists, you have to re-evaluate…but I CAN’T STOP! So let’s remember what RW looks like. Let’s remember how RW acts on this blog and often in person. I am not the guy scoring chicks at a bar. You or your girlfriends will most likely hate me at some point in conversation. But when you get to read what I’m saying, and explain why I feel like I do, apparently you ladies like it(And I love ya for it…now share our blog). I’m honestly the same in person as I am in most of my online presence. So I keep going because I haven’t had a bad date since I got real specific about the ones I go on.
I guess you can say it is the specificity I can choose to attempt find someone to go out with. Have any of the ones since I got back home to KC been 3rd or 4th date worthy? No, not at all, but that wasn’t what I was necessarily making the goal. I had just taken/just failed the bar. I wanted to take a beautiful woman with enough intellect to hold good conversation out for drinks, dinner, and various other public activities. Some of them were just too far apart on our life philosophies. Some didn’t like my particular profession (clearly didn’t really read the profile). And one clearly decided it would be a one-time thing when I said I ran a blog. She also was the only one who wanted to meet at the first place in separate cars…I sense a pattern. I guess I’ll stop when I either find a serious relationship that is going somewhere to be in, or it gets so creepy that I just want out of it all together.
Rebellionista: hahaha. oh, jeeze. you would ask that.
why? because every single time i’ve been set up, it’s been horrible. i mean, we’re talking about a jerk who thinks women should be in the kitchen, a dude who who wanted to date my friend, and a drunk. at least picking out dudes on the internet only leaves me to blame!
i often get irritated with the dumbass men…so i’ll stop for a while. i mean, it would be great to find a partner in this life, but holy shitballs.
while i do keep trying this online dating thing, it takes a lot to get me on that first date.
- your first email can’t say “hey,” “hi,” “what’s up,” “how are you,” or something similar to “you’re cute”
- you have to be somewhat entertaining and put at least a little effort into it
- you can’t be “separated”
- you probably should respond to my email in a couple days (or have a reason for not…no, no, no you don’t have to respond same day)
- don’t think that just ‘cause we chatted that we’re in a relationship
- no be creepy (in photo or words)
- actually have words on your profile
- beards preferred
- use real words (not “ur,” etc)
i’ll stop when i find someone or when i no longer care about it…or when my boss stops asking me how the dating scene is…
PS. nothing wrong with wanting to drive oneself to the date, Ruthless. nothing.
You’re both overly educated people (yep, that’s right, overly educated), do you find that impacts the way you approach dating or maybe the people you choose to see?
i mean, not on purpose. but, you know, there was that one dude who thought i was too educated. and then there was that dude who couldn’t stop being awkward because he was so uncomfortable with me.
i have met some men who are comfortable with me, all of me, but they clearly aren’t in the picture now.
i wish it didn’t, but my education impacts my dating life. if for no other reason than people make assumptions about me, and then they either decide they won’t date me because of them or that they will set me up with so-and-so because of them.
Ruthless: What? Wait wait wait. So we are not allowed to say Hi? Should I let the guys know at our next meeting to use “Greetings and Salutations my dear” to start all correspondence for the purposes of courting a young lady of your caliber?
Back on the point. Of course it does. People call folks shallow who only date the super attractive, or who are looks focused. I don’t know what you call my “you must be THIS smart to ride the ride” approach to picking out who I take out, but I’m most certainly that. People need to have some visual attraction to the other person, but stupid is the biggest turn off I have. And I don’t mean a woman has to be a bookworm. I mean have some general intellectual curiousity about your life at least. Read books, know more than just what is on tv, stuff like that. I hang out with a bunch of people who will thank you for calling them a prick, or a bitch. You need to be able to survive that environment. But also because I like to feel like I’m on level with who I’m with, if I feel like you’re smarter than me? Even better.
It also plays with what I want to do on a date as you noticed from before. I like oddities, I like rarities, and I most assuredly enjoy spontaneous adventures which may not even require us to get out of the car. The mood could strike at any time, and take us anywhere. But you have to be able to have legit conversation for that. And that means as much if not more than how you fit in your little black dress. And yeah, if you don’t have one of those, you’re already sliding off the interesting list.
You guys don’t get out of this without aiming your pens at yourselves. What is your worst flaw/habit when it comes to dating?
Ruthless: I’m a sarcastic, self-satisfied, smug, son of a bitch at a lot of times. That’s the big flaw. Hell in some cases I don’t even notice I’m slipping into that mode when I do. I’m cooler sometimes not talking than talking, but when I’m not talking I can at times look like I’m not listening. I can go on forever about how awesome I am on here(seriously you will have to stop me one day people), but the reality is on dates even when I’m actively trying to not slip into “I’m awesome” talk, I do. It is a constant struggle to keep the ego under control enough until the woman understands I’m joking, and this is just part of a persona I use…well…here.
It turns into a kind of war within. “How much do you let her know about you?” “How much of which you do you let her in on?” “Remember you can’t sound too awesome right now.” “Don’t tell that story.” If you want to know what’s going on in my brain when on a date, that is it times a thousand…per second. Sometimes I win, sometimes I do ok, and sometimes I lose that war. The thing is I hunt experiences, so I have a lot of them. And when you ask me about them, I will tell you. Which is why even if you don’t drink, I will drink on a date. Because it can slow down the enemy at the gates. And keep me in cool, relaxed, fedora wearing, uber me.
Rebellionista: if you go ahead with that “salutations” business, you’ll break rule #6.
moving on…yep. what he said. only, i can be a bit of a bitch. just a bit. i also find myself working a lot, which can lead to a lack of communication from me. and then dude goes on his merry way. and that’s fine, if he couldn’t keep my attention, then it probably wasn’t going to work anyway. that’s not meant to sound conceited, i don’t need to be “entertained,” but i do need to want to spend time with you.
now, since RW apparently thought this question meant “first dates,” i’ll go there, too.
-almost always over-dressed (except for when there’s 5+ inches of snow…sorry, snow boots win!)
-usually bring up politics (that’s something i’m not supposed to do, right)
-struggle to keep that balance between keeping up good chatter and running on and on and on and on and on and on and on…repeat