“May I be Complete.” An open letter to my Tyler Durden

This is a misleading title, as this isn’t actually an open letter. In fact it could be said this is closer to an old blog post than all of the new stuff. That said, let’s get to it.

Time is a flat circle

Who we call ourselves, and who we become are often tied together. For me, that joining comes from an old revelation that protected me for a long time.

“May I never be complete.

May I never be content.

May I never be perfect.

Deliver me, Tyler, from being perfect and complete.”

Fight is an oft debated, but also very misunderstood piece. It is to a large degree about taking down the hyper masculinity culture and rampant consumerism of the 90s. But beyond that is a very interesting commentary on the nature of our personal philosophies. And in a path that had plenty to want to walk from but not often the desire to, it was good motivation. But that time eventually has to end. Because completion is a necessity.

I’m not talking about something like you’re thinking. There is no baby, no proposal, no new relocating story. We’ve gone through enough friends and family doing that since I started this place right? HA! No, I’m talking about completion because I’m suddenly struck by the desire to be complete. To round off these edges and finalize myself into the next me. Completion is in stages for me. And this version of me is at an end. Didn’t come with an epiphany, nor with a profound life changing experience. No it came with a simple dream. Seeing what might have been, and what could be. What was strange was the amount of energy that comes from that conversation with my subconscious. That is in the end what makes a lot possible.

Ever gotten rid of something that is deeply ingrained in you? Not easy, but necessary. We’ve talked here before about the way I approach personal  evolution. I reference my younger years as versions of me. We talk about how we become the next version of ourselves. I’ve even recently explained part of the process of my various resurrections. But resurrection, and completion are not necessarily the same thing. Especially not for your favorite super villain. So what is completion worth? Everything. It is a rejection of the paradigm that came before. If resurrection comes because external realities require internal modification, then completion is internal reality requiring external modification.

I have for some time defined my path and my presence by the dreams I fought to make real. We’ve detailed those before. I’ve wrestled with the difficulty of what comes after achieving the things that you used to make life worth it. And now I’m done. It took crazy situation with LA, a need for a resurrection when I got home, and of course the finalization of that path I talked about before to get here, but finally time has come together. So does this mean another break? Maybe. Stuff I don’t ever address here has to get right. People I’ve met because of this place, who’ve been on this page, and one’s who know me for many different reasons have to be set aside. And that’s uncomfortable. That’s difficult. And fighting my evolution would be senseless. So I’ll hate it but it must be done.

I know someone reading was probably thinking I was going to be talking about some relationship. Some desire for them. And I guess to a degree you can say I am. I haven’t valued me to me very well. Hating me gets things done, but I can’t be complete if I constantly despise myself. So time to love me. LOL see how crazy that sounds? Anyway, time to spend time fixing things, physical, psychological, and otherwise. This blog may fall apart because of that decision. It may cause some all new revolution of self. WHO KNOWS! I saw my time and the things I’ve done pass away under sandstorm, and I woke up wanting to make more things. I felt myself getting smaller and disappearing, and woke up wanting nothing more than to become impervious to that. I have been student, lawyer, writer, blogger, host, and a few others. Some of those things may still be a part of me, but I feel like a few are going to go away. After all, according to a few folks, I’m just talking to myself these days.

I guess you’ll see, or maybe you won’t because…words don’t do it justice!

~RW

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