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And now we come to…the end of an era

Today, oddly enough was supposed to be the pay off FINALLY for a number of posts about relationships that I thought might be better than all my previous ruthless on relationships post. And indeed I’ll get to that later.

 

Instead,

Today is a day I bring us to a place I knew could happen, but was happy every time it didn’t. Today we end the hour for the last time. What do I mean? Today is the beginning of a goodbye party. For this blog. Oh it will continue to exist, but a transition is afoot. And so with all transitions, some things remain the same, while other change or are left behind.

If you would have told me 3 years ago as I was studying for the bar that we would be here I would be shocked. But if you would have told me that we would get here after 450 thousand views I’d also be shocked so much attention happened. Words Don’t Do It Justice started as an idea, a bit of fun, and a lot of me. I have buried hatchets with enemies because of this blog, reconnected with old friends, and made new ones because of this blog, found meaning in the midst of my own personal depression because of this place. I have consumed it, and let it consume me. I love it. But loving this blog means knowing what to do. And taking a good long look I know the thing to do is let it go.

But I said this was transition not destruction.

And indeed it is. I’ll be taking Words Don’t Do It Justice away from our blogging past into a show based future. For me, the question was one of logistics. Was it better to end everything and walk away from these years of effort, or find a way to keep the place alive in the hearts of all of you who have supported us? I choose to believe that you will keep supporting us, and I chose to keep this place alive in a new way.

That means giving you what we planned. Give No Quarter, The Wrath of Ruthless, and Words Don’t Do It Justice are the three pillars of Ruthless Radio. 3 shows with different formats that bring you many of the topics you might see written about here, but in a new form and with some new and old faces/voices. Over the next few weeks as we ready to for the relaunch of Words Don’t Do It Justice as a podcast, you’ll get to read some farewells from various alums, and hear from the incoming folks for these shows. You’ll also see the Words Don’t Do It Justice site itself undergo various changes. With plenty of hard work, luck, and you listening in, I hope to earn your trust for these new shows, and continue to hold our interest.

SO! What about Weekend’s Don’t Do It Justice?

Well I’m happy to say our little casual interest site is growing well. And it is going to continue. We had a nice response to the sample chapter from Project 13, and now that game of thrones is done you’ll see a lot of other reviews, news, and related content there. Our gamers are doing their thing, and if Vantinel’s CEO appearance is any indication of commitment, we will only continue to grow over there.

As I end for now I just want to say thank you, and of course to keep watching what we do. But more than that, thank you for being a force for us. We continued to push because you were there with us. 100,000 visitors, 450,000 views, and 3 years of growth, While things must change, I am glad to have made it to this point. A point that let’s me look back and say that YOU made us more than I imagined. And though Words Don’t Do It Justice…Thank you.

 

“THE Ruthless Wonder” Matthew Elisha Williams

Founder of Words Don’t Do It Justice

And now… at the end of the hour

cropped-wordsdontdoit2-1.jpg

This week we debuted a brand new podcast with a livestream. We said goodbye to one of the founders. We tackled coons, and hoteps. As well as assault, and the HIV & AIDS treatment drug Truvada.

 

 

I skipped a couple lines to let that sink in.

When this started I literally just wanted to take my usual facebook ranting to a website. I figured it would be like the old days of my Xanga page. Now, now I deal with potential sponsors, have production meetings, worry about our average listening and reading time, and look for brand expansion.

I remind you, I was so bored in the last semester of law school I decided to make a blog to archive the things I would normally rant about on Facebook.

 

So you can understand that having gone from that place to now is rather…amazing if I’m honest. I had no idea. We’ve added and lost people over that time. But more than their contributions or mine, we’ve gotten to know a lot of you. As of this writing, 92,000 of you have come to get to know us over these 3 years of Words Don’t Do It Justice. And you must like it here, because you’ve dropped in 302,000 times.

300000

That is astounding. That is epic. And to think that it has all come before we put up a single ad, before we shilled a single product, without a marketing team, and mostly from the effort of our authors, and their friends and family who have additionally believed in us and shared us with other people.  I can’t tell you enough thank you for all you’ve done and continue to do. It really has made the difference.

What that means is even what I’ve done in the past year isn’t enough. I have to do more. And I am. While we lost a podcast co-host today, I’m proud to say we gained 2 new ones for our show Give No Quarter. While we have Reason on break for a while, I’m happy to say we will be launching Weekends Don’t Do It Justice as its own site (www.wkndlife.com www.weekendsdontdoitjustice.net www.weekendsdontdoitjustice.com). Look for a review of a hilariously bad movie coming over there soon from me.

Heck, go buy a shirt, phone case, hoodie or tank. https://www.teepublic.com/user/314publishing

Check out our current Shirt and cases designs. Buy one now while you wait for more. Click the photo to go straight to the store!

Check out our current Shirt and cases designs. Buy one now while you wait for more.
Click the photo to go straight to the store!

 

I’m also happy to say that I’m teaming with Mr. 9 to 5 gamer himself Bami O to open a new gaming site and channel called “Save State Society” (www.savestatesociety.com www.savestatesociety.net) here soon as well. And we’re open with some great games and reviews. But that is going to take a lot to talk about, and I’ve got work to do there.

You’re here reading because this is about Words Don’t Do it Justice. The granddaddy of them all. Okay, the origin of them all. Three years in, and even though health wise I’ve dealt with issues. Professional life wise, I’ve had great forward steps but also set backs. Heck life in general being strange. After all that I’m proud of where we are. Where you’ve brought us. And so for the third time we come to the end of the hour. Where I say thank you without any reservations. Where for the third time ever, I get to step out of my role as Head Blogger, Editor, Podcast host, Lucremo, THE Ruthless Wonder, and everything that comes with it, and instead just talk to you as Matt Williams. We have a few reflection pieces and some alumni coming back to give us a piece. And we are going to celebrate all the way to my personal birthday on March 14th. But right now I’m just going to end by saying thank you all for bringing me and us from where we were to where we are and pushing us forward to where we are going next. As always Words Don’t Do YOU Justice.

“THE Ruthless Wonder” Matthew Elisha Williams

What Are We?

Welcome to the Secret Thoughts of Reason…

what are we 5

Why is it that men get so freaked out when a woman asks, “What are we?”

What exactly is it about the words “What are we?” that send you into a frenzy?

Does the word “we” equate to “marriage” or “life-long partner” or maybe you hear the word “forever”.

While I cannot speak for every woman, I will speak for the sound ones….

When a woman asks, “What are we?”….She only wants to know what is occurring between you AND her.

For example:what are we1

Are “we” friends?

Are “we” dating?

Are “we” just hooking up?

Are “we” friends with benefits?

 

“What are we ≠ When are you going to propose because I want to get married NOW.”

Women simply want to know what KIND of relationship is taking place.

Why do we need to know?

Well…

Some women… do want to get married NOW, so if you are only looking to “hook” up, she needs to know VERY EARLY on because she now needs to make a decision about whether or not to continue this relationship when she knows you and her DO NOT HAVE THE SAME OBJECTS.

Some women… want to be friends with benefits. For whatever reason she does not want a long term relationship, she just wants your company & your equipment ;). So if you are looking for something more permanent, she doesn’t WASTE YOUR TIME NOR HERS.

Some women…. what to be just friends. They know they want something more in the future, it MAY OR MAY NOT be with you, but FOR NOW she just wants to be your friend. Now I am not talking about the “friend zone” [where we know this guy would never be anything more than just a friend], what I mean is a person who is of the opposite sex who MAY potentially turn into something more in the future.

Lastly, some women… want to just “hook up”. They do not want your friendship or your companionship, JUST YOUR equipment. I know that may be a hard pill for some to swallow, but some women CAN just HAVE SEX and not want anything more in return.

Why am I going on this rant?what are we2

Because I hate that women feel they cannot ask the dreaded question, “What are we?” because she doesn’t want the man to think she is a psycho stalker who wants his hand & his seeds [hand = marriage].

I hate that we choose to stay in limbo and not know what is going on rather than just ask the simple question.

It’s annoying…

So, my men, my beautiful, sexy men…DO NOT assume that when a girl asks “What are we?” that she wants you to “put a ring on it”.

I know there are “crazy, stalker, I’ve only known you for a week & I’m in love & wanna have your baby” women out there, and it is, sometimes hard to distinguish them from the sound ones (no offense to those type of women)…

BUT, what I am saying is, men, while there is that kind of woman out there & you don’t know which woman falls into which category, I simply want you to keep an open mind if & when you hear the words, “What are we?”

Practice these instructions at home so that when the time comes you are prepared & do not freak out!

  Instructions:

  1. Take a deep breathwhat are we 4
  2. Pause
  3. Remember this post!
  4. Open your mouth & say (or if you are texting…text): “Well we are______)
    1. Insert your INTENSIONS in the blank
    2. Don’t panic here are some examples:
      1. We are just friends
      2. We are getting to know each other & maybe something more will come later
      3. I’m not looking for anything serious right now
  5. Then wait for her to respond
  6. Don’t forget to breathe while she is talking!
  7. Listen to what she is saying
  8. Now the hard part: determine if your INTENTIONS match her INTENTIONS

I believe if you follow these simple instructions EVERYONE’S life would be so much easier.

what are we3

Don’t worry men, I have a post to address the women as well, where I will instruct them to SAY WHAT THEY MEAN…

Thanks for listening….any comments, questions comment below!

Check out my last post Louise! And one of my “controversial” post Angry Black Queen!

Louise ∞ 6

Welcome to the Love World of Reason…

“Sorry ma’am my co-worker…” I say as I look at the ground, hoping Louise hasn’t seen my face.

“Ma’am?” Louise says laughing, “How old do you think I am?”

“Oh no, it was just a way….” I stumble on my words. “I was just being polite ma’am…uh mm…miss.”

“Well polite is a very subjective thing wouldn’t you say?” Louise says.

“No, uh yes, yes, of course ma’am…I mean miss.” I say, still looking at the ground. I try to walk away before Louise can recognize me.

“Leaving so soon?” Louise says.

“Yes, I uh have things back to look for and stuff to check stuff and to see things…” I say as I try to rush to the backroom.

“You were always a bad liar.” Louise says.

I stop dead in my tracks. I’m not sure what to do. “Yes, he is a horrible liar, Mrs. Louise. Aren’t you Jerry?” Michelle says.

I look at Michelle and I think this time I really will kill her. “Well, don’t just stand there BJ, come greet your old friend.” Louise says.

“I umm yeah, yeah of course…old friend.” I say as I finally turn around to face Louise.

“You haven’t aged a day Mr. Carr.” Louise says.

I just stand there looking at her. I haven’t seen her up close in so long. She looks different now. Still beautiful, but more…mature, like she’s lived life. “You look beautiful.” Is all I can manage to say.

“Thank you.” Louise says. “So how have you been, I haven’t seen you in twenty something years. It seems like a lifetime ago.”

“Seems like yesterday to me.” I say.

 

 

 

“What do you mean you’re going to the army?” Louise says running after me.

Damn does this girl ever give up, “Goodbye Louise.” I say walking out of the auditorium doors.

“So that’s it.” Louise says walking outside, “You’re just going to the army and I’m never going to see you again, is that it?”

I don’t answer her. I just get in my car and drive away. I can see her in my rear view looking at me with disbelief in her eyes. I hate that I have to do this, but this is what’s best for everyone. She wouldn’t understand if I tried to explain.

I get home and I go in my room to finish packing. I don’t even know why I went to that stupid graduation. Oh right Mrs. Beck forced me to. I love her to death, but sometime she really annoys the crap outta me. Now I have to try to forget the look on Louise’s face as I walked away from her, again.

“Mom!” I call out. “Mom, I’m leaving.” I don’t know why I bother, I know she’s either not here or too drunk to respond. I walk to her room to see her passed out on the floor, half naked. I pick her up and put her in the bed.

“Jerry.” Louise says.

“What are you doing here?” I say. I close the door to my mom’s room.

“I just.” Louise says, “I wanted to say goodbye.”

“We already did that.” I say walking passed her.

Louise follows me, “I know, but…”

I turn to look at her, “But what?” I ask.

“I don’t know.” Louise whispers looking at the ground.

“You’re not going to change my mind.” I say. “I’m leaving for the army tonight.”

“I know.” Louise says looking down.

She doesn’t look angry or sad, she looks…defeated. Oh God what am I doing to the woman I love. “Please leave.” I say, “This is hard enough.”

“It is?” Louise says looking at me puzzled.

“What?” I say, “Of course it’s hard.”

“I thought you didn’t love me anymore.” Louise says.

I walk to her and hold her face in my hands, “I love you. I will always love you. That’s the problem.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Louise says, “If you love me then why break up with me? Why leave to go to the army? You hate the army Jerry.”

“It’s better this way.” I say taking a step away from her.

“Better for who?” Louise says, “For you? Certainly not for me.”

“You don’t understand.” I say.

“Finally something we both agree on.” Louise says.

“I have to finish packing.” I say turning around. Louise walks towards me and hugs me from behind. “Lou, please…”

“Ok. I’ll go. Just let me smell you…one last time.” Louise says as she hugs me so tight I can hear her breathing me in.

Oh God. I turn around and stare into her eyes. Now she is crying. Again. How many times has my love cried for me? Because of me? I move my face close to hers, so close our noses touch. I want to stare into her eyes one last time. We stay like that for a while. Finally Louise kisses me. She kisses me like she’s never kissed me before. Like she knows she will never kiss me again. She starts to take off my shirt.

“Lou…” I start to say.

“Shh. I know.” Louise says as she kisses me again. She takes off my shirt first. Then my pants. She leads me to the bed and climbs on top of me. She kisses my neck then my chest. Then she takes off her dress. She kisses me again. I turn her around so that I am on top of her. I stare at her for a long time before I kiss her. We kiss for what seems like forever then we finally make love. Tears are falling from both of our eyes. But neither of us say anything. We just lay there naked in each other’s arms. As Louise is laying on my chest I can tell she is listening to my heartbeat. A heartbeat that matches her own.

“I know you want me to leave.” Louise says after a while. “And I will, in a moment.”

I say nothing. At this point I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

After a few minutes Louise gets up and gets dressed. “I love you.” Louise says as she walks out of my room.

 

 

 

“Hey Jerry, why don’t you just go talk to Louise. I can handle the morning rush.” Michelle says.

“There’s like no one here.” I say.

“Exactly.” Michelle says, “Don’t worry about meanager, go catch up with your old girlfriend.”

“Lovely.” Louise says, “What do you say Jerry, catch up with your old girlfriend?”

I look at Michelle and try to give her the-I’m-really-going-to-kill-you-this-time look, but she is already gone. “Sure.”

“So what have you been up to Jerry?” Louise says once we sit down in the table at the corner of the café.

“Nothing.” I say.

“Nothing?” Louise says laughing, “I haven’t seen you in twenty years and ‘nothing’ is the best you can do? What happened in the army? How was that?”

“I never went.” I say looking at the salt on the table. Why do we have salt on the table? We mostly sell pastries and coffee.

“What do you mean you never went?” Louise says looking at me strangely. “Where did you go after graduation?”

“Did you get to walk?” I ask.

“What?” Louise asks.

“At graduation.” I say, “You came to my house, but I just realized they most likely didn’t call your name yet so you probably didn’t have a chance to walk.”

“No, I didn’t.” Louise says.

“Wow, I’m sorry.” I say, “I know how much that meant to you. Walking I mean.”

Louise just looks at me. I know what she’s thinking. Even after all these years I can read her like a book. “So do you have any kids?” Louise asks changing the subject.

“No, no kids.” I say, “Do you?”

“I’m a writer.” Louise says. “But I’m sure Michelle has told you that.”

“Yeah, you’re really good.” I say.

“I bet you were surprised.” Louise says laughing, “I only passed my English classes in high school because you wrote half my papers.”

“I forgot about that.” I say laughing, “You were a really bad writer Lou.”

“That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile since I’ve been in here.” Louise says.

“What? This isn’t the first time you’ve seen me in here?” I asks.

“Oh please Jerry.” Louise says, “You really think I didn’t see you hiding behind every wall and chair?”

“Wow.” I say, shaking my head. “So why didn’t you say anything?”

“Obviously you weren’t ready to see me.” Louise says. “But Michelle says you would be eventually. She said to give you some time.”

“Michelle?” I say looking angrily in the direction of the backroom.

“Don’t be mad at her.” Louise says, “She loves you. At first I thought you guys were together, because of the way she talked about you I mean. But she clarified that you were like a grandfather to her.”

“Grandfather?” I say laughing, “I’m not that old.”

“I know.” Louise says laughing, “She’s really funny Jerry. Why aren’t you guys together?”

“It’s never been like that with us.” I say.

“I know, I’m asking why?” Louise asks.

“I don’t know.” I say, “When we met we just clicked, in a different way and it always stayed that way. Besides sometimes I think she doesn’t like men or something.”

“She’s not a lesbian Jerry.” Louise says shaking her head.

“How would you know?” I ask smiling.

“Because, I’m a woman and I know.” Louise says.

“Well I think you’re wrong.” I say still smiling.

“Oh Jerry, don’t you know, boyfriends are supposed to let their girlfriends win sometimes.” Louise says smiling.

I stop smiling. Those words. I know she only meant to be funny, but I don’t know. It takes me back to when she first said them…when we were six. “I probably should get back to work.” I say. “It was really nice seeing you Louise.”

I get up and walk to the backroom. I hear Louise trying to say something, but it’s too late, I’m already gone.

 

Check out my last post: Angry Black Queen

The WRATH of Ruthless Holiday Special: The Wrong Kind Of Progress

The WRATH of Ruthless is back!

Before our actual relaunch we got together for a Holiday special with a couple topics and some old friends.

The WRATH of Ruthless Holiday Special: The Wrong Kind Of Progress <-Click this and you can download or listen from our SoundCloud

Here you can listen from our soundcloud right here on WDDIJ. [soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/239005820″ params=”color=ff5500&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false” width=”100%” height=”100″ iframe=”true” /]

hoetears IMG_25031 mad-max-fury-road-war-boys Bern really meme Marlon 120806_elizabeth_warren_605_ap 150401135040-donald-trump-gallery-8-super-169

CHICAGO - DECEMBER 01: Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) listens as President-elect Barack Obama introduces her as his choice for secretary of state during a press conference at the Hilton Hotel December 01, 2008 in Chicago, Illinois. Other members of the National Security Team named by Obama at the press conference include Washington attorney Eric Holder as attorney general, Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano as his choice for homeland security and he said Robert Gates would remain as defense secretary. Retired Marine Gen. James L. Jones was selected for the position of national security adviser and Susan Rice as U.N. ambassador. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

Yes our Holiday Special is going to cover all of this.

Angry Black Queen

Welcome to the Secret Thoughts of Reason…

 

I was at subway the other day and I saw a black man waiting in line to place his order, and my first thought was: where are these subway workers? They need to hurry up and come serve my black man. No, I did not know this man, I had never seen him before, but he was still a black man…my black man. No later than a few seconds later something happened inside of me that I cannot explain. My thought changed from this is my black man and they need to hurry up and serve him…to…you know what, this isn’t my black man, it’s probably some white woman’s black man. I don’t care if they hurry up or not. Keep his ass waiting…

I know what you’re thinking…well that escalated quickly.

And it did.

I’m not sure why I felt like that, but afterwards when I really started to think about it, I realized why, but we’ll get to that later…

The reason that feeling was such a shock to me was because I was exactly the opposite of that woman. I have always been a woman who loved her black men. And I don’t even know if I can explain it to you, but there is something about a black man that no other race has. Maybe I’m biased but that’s always been my truth. No one taught it to me, I just always knew…that was my truth. A black man’s essence cannot be explained, it cannot be drawn in a picture, or written in words in a book. The only way I can describe it to you is to say, when I see my black men my soul is at peace. My entire being is at a place of rest because I know he is mine and I am his. Because I know the struggles he has had to endure and STILL has to endure on a daily basis. Because I see every tear that has fallen from his face, even when he has never shown them to anyone. Because I see the scars that are permanently engraved not only on his body, but in his heart and his mind. Because we are one.

 

 

I could go on…but I won’t. The point is I have always been a “ride or die”, I have your back and your front type of woman. The woman who saw every black man as her husband, her brother, her father, her son. I have always been that way…until now…

Now I don’t know what I am…

I don’t know who I am with regards to my black men…

 

Now when I look at my black man all I see is conformity and betrayal. He no longer wants to be the black man his mama raised him to be, but the black man who turns his back on the ones who were always here from the beginning and who will be here in the end…black women.

But will we still be there…in the end…

 

 

Because there will be an end. There will be a time when all you have is us. When all you can depend on is us. When all you can call on, is us. Why? Because no one can be loyal to you the way a black woman is loyal to you. Why? Because no one understands you like we understand you. No one. Because only we have been through the valleys you have been through. Only we have drowned in the same oceans that you have been drowned in. Because only we have been hung in trees beside you…

Shit.

Let me step a little outside of my feelings so I can write this….give me a moment…

Ok…

The black men that I have loved. That I have sacrificed for. The men whom I have pledged my alliance to, below only God. The men whose diapers I have changed. Whose hair I have combed. The black men who I have put my life on hold to build up and encourage. The ones whom I have been a stepping  stool so that you could be lifted up, and reach the things that you could not have reached otherwise.

You black men turn around, once you have reached the top and you look down on your footstool and spit on her. You tell her she must be lighter in order to be beautiful. You tell her she must have hair that sweeps her butt to be counted. You tell her, her eyes must be the color of the ocean in order to be worth gazing into. Or you tell her that her butt must be as big as a globe and her breast like watermelons…BUT her waist small. That she must wear extensions to look more like them so that you may see her…your stepping stool.

I know that many of you have never actually uttered those words…but you did much worse…you’ve lived these words.

Now I am not talking about those black men who only grew up around white or mixed people and so they ended up with them. I’m not talking about black men who just fell in love and did not see color. I encourage people to not see color and just see people…see love.  I will repeat myself again: I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ALL BLACK MEN WHO DATE OUTSIDE OF THEIR RACE. I am ONLY talking to the ones who refuse to even look at a woman because she is too dark or her hair too coarse.

I’m talking about the black men who say things like: I only talk to white girls…and there’s no logical reasons behind it other than you wanna show the white man that you can now have his women and not be hung….whether you realize this unconscious declaration or not. I’m talking about the black men who say I only date light skin girls with curly hair as if beauty is defined by one shape or color.

What does your mother look like ignorant, ungrateful black man?

What does your sister look like?

Your aunt?

Your grandmother?

The women who have surrounded you and loved you and cared for you like no other woman can or would.

Do these women all have light skin? Do they have blue or green eyes? Do they have long straight or curly hair? Are they white?

No.

Because I have noticed it’s the black men whose mothers ARE dark skinned and coarse haired who always scream from the roof tops…I want a woman who doesn’t look like you!

What are you running from? Your mother? Yourself?

You don’t want your children to look like your mother or your sister…because they aren’t beautiful……enough?

So from me thinking about these things a few days ago, I came to the conclusion that I am done with black men. I am done being there for you. I am done having your back. I am done fighting for you and searching for you. I am done being your stepping stool. I hope the white or mixed woman you love and adore so much will be willing to be your footstool so you can reach the top…I really doubt it though.

And for those of you who may say, well we never asked you to do any of that. No, you didn’t. But it was our job. As black women. To hold you up, to build you up. A job that we loved and cherished. A job we were pleased to do. Because you were ours and we were yours.

Anyway, that’s where I was…a few days ago.

Then I saw some things and heard some things that made me feel like maybe there was still hope for my black men. So while I am still very irate. Still betrayed. Still hurt. Still literally crying. I am choosing to believe in you. In us.

Reason - Egyptian Queen

 

 

But I won’t believe forever…

Louise ∞ 5

Welcome to the Love World of Reason…

I’m lying in bed thinking about what Michelle told me. Louise is married. I shouldn’t be surprised. A woman as perfect as Louise wouldn’t be single for long. I guess Mrs. McDowe was wrong, fate hasn’t brought us together. But there is some good news: Louise is only here to visit, so after she leaves I can go back to normal…only thinking about her every other day as opposed to everyday. Wonderful. I’m definitely not getting any sleep tonight. I get up and go through the books that Michelle left. The books Louise wrote. Who would have known that my Louise would become a famous writer? As I’m going through some of these poems and skimming through the novels, I can see that Michelle was right…I did hurt Louise. I feel awful. I was so young, I thought I was doing the right thing, but I can see now that I was wrong. I look through the books all night, until it is time to go to work. I get dressed. I don’t bother eating breakfast. I have no appetite. I get to work and it’s just me and Jack who are serving the morning shift. If Louise comes in I’m going to have to fake a heart attack or something.

“Jerry, my man, how’s things? Great. I got here a little early today so I already did everything, now all we have to do is wait for the customers. Are you ready Jerry? I am. I love this job, I gotta tell you, it is awe-some.” Jack says.

“Cool.” I say and I quickly walk away before Jack can continue talking. I kind of like working with Jack, he gets here over an hour early to get everything “just right”, but he never shuts up. Customers love him, but the rest of us can only take so much of the rambling. So today my to-do list consist of hiding from Louise and Jack.

“Jerry, my man. Jonny just called and said he’s not coming in today, he’s not feeling well, but he left me in charge. But don’t take it like that man, I’m not like your boss or anything, it’s just temporary you know. I’m sure we’ll get along just like we always do. Don’t let this whole “me being your boss” thing change things between us, alright man. You’re still my man. We’re cool. We’re just gonna pretend like nothing has changed…” Jacob says.

“Hey Jacob.” I cut him off, “I think I heard a customer come in.”

“I didn’t hear the door chime.” Jacob says, “I’m usually in tune with that chimer man, trust me…”

“Yeah, yeah but just to be sure, you know, you might wanna go check.” I say, “Jonny did put you in charge?”

“You know what bud.” Jacob says, “You’re right, I’ll go check that out.”

“Thank God.” I say a little more loudly than I intended.

“What’s that bud?” Jacob says.

“Where’s Bob.” I say. “Bob, you know Bob?”

“No, is he new?” Jacob says.

“The door, remember?” I say pointing to the front of the café.

While Jacob goes to the front, I find a nice hiding place. I brought one of Louise’s books with me, it’s about two lovers who never physically met but feel in love through writing letters. It’s actually pretty interesting, considering the fact that I hate to read. I was never really much of an academic scholar, that was more Louise. I was more of the hands on type. I could fix anything I put my hands on. The plan was for me to go to a vocational school nearby and Louise would go to a local university, but that never happened. I’m not sure what Louise did. At the end of graduation I joined the army and never looked back.

 

“So that’s it.” Louise says, “You break up with me and now you can’t even talk to me.”

“I have nothing to say.” I say. It’s been a few weeks since I broke up with Louise. I’ve done a pretty good job at avoiding her, but today is graduation day.

“Can we talk?” Louise asks.

“Like I said before, I have nothing to say.” I say to Louise and I walk away. It’s taking everything in me to not turn around and wrap her in my arms and ask for her forgiveness.

“Jerry.” Mrs. Beck says, “Where’s your mother?”

“She couldn’t make it.” I say.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Mrs. Beck says, “How is she holding up?”

“Hey, I’m sorry, I really can’t talk about this right now.” I say. Mrs. Beck is my English teacher.

“I understand.” Mrs. Beck says. “Can I do anything?”

“You’ve done everything you’ve possible could Tina.” I say. Mrs. Beck and I have been on a first name bases ever since my dad passed.

“I wish I could do more.” Mrs. Beck says.

“I know.” I say, “Believe me I wouldn’t have been able to get through this without you.”

“Louise has been starring at you since you walked over here.” Mrs. Beck says.

“Tina.” I say. I know where she’s going with this and I don’t want to hear it.

“Okay. Okay.” Mrs. Beck says, “I’ll mind my own business.”

“Good.” I say smiling at her.

“Excuse me sir.” Mrs. Beck says laughing, “Alright well the ceremony about to start, I’ll see you after?”

“Probably not.” I say, “I’m not sure if I’ll even stay till the end.”

“Jerry.” Mrs. Beck starts to say but I cut her off.

“I know, I know but I can’t bear to look at her Tina, I just cant.” I say.

“Alright.” Mrs. Beck says softly, “You have my number.”

“Yes, I know, keep in touch.” I say.

I walk over to my seat. My last name is Carr, so it shouldn’t be too long before I can sneak out of here. “Jerry, hey, sorry about your dad.” Megan says.

“It’s cool.” I say. I hate the whole sorry for your lost crap. People don’t actually care, it’s just the polite thing to say.

They finally call me up and I walk across the stage and get my diploma, I don’t bother trying to look happy, because I’m not. No one is here taking pictures of me anyway. After I get off the stage I open my diploma only to see it is empty. What the hell. “They mail it to you.” Louise says.

“Aren’t you supposed to be sitting waiting for them to call you up?” I say.

“That won’t happen anytime soon.” Louise says, “Besides, I figured you’d try to sneak out after you walked and I wanted to see you.”

“You don’t give up.” I say.

“I never gave up when we played hide and seek when we were six so why would I give up now?” Louise says smiling.

That smile. If I don’t leave soon, I’m going to cave. “As I remember it, you always give up after one minute of not finding me.” I say.

“If I remember correctly, boyfriends are supposed to let girlfriends win sometimes.” Louise says, her eyes filling with tears.

I can’t do this again, I just can’t, “Look I gotta go.” I say walking away.

“JB.” Louise says. “Please just tell me why.”

“I’m going to the army.” I say as I walk away, “I leave tonight.”

 

“So how was work today Jerry?” Michelle asks.

I lay down on Michelle’s couch, “It was…I don’t really know, I can’t remember much, it was a blur.”

“Was Louise there?” Michelle asks.

“No.” I say.

“I found out some more stuff.” Michelle says.

“How?” I ask.

“Google.” Michelle says turning her laptop screen so I can see it.

It’s a video of Louise, she’s having an interview with some talk show host. Her image is disguised, but it’s her voice. “Why is she disgusting herself?” I ask no one in particular.

“She wants to stay anonymous.” Michelle says.

We watch the entire thirty minute interview. “She says the reason she’s even doing the interview is because she feels an obligation to her fans, but if that were true, wouldn’t she just show her self.” I say.

“I’m sure there’s a reason why she didn’t.” Michelle says.

“Yeah, a serious reason.” I say.

***

Days have passed and Louise has not come to the shop. Michelle thinks maybe she’s left town, but I don’t think so. She was here to get inspiration, I doubt that has happened already. But maybe I’m just being hopeful. But wait, I wanted Louise to leave. Right? Oh God, I don’t know what I want.

“Still no Louise huh?” Michelle says one day at work.

“Nope.” I say.

“I think she maybe gone.” Michelle says.

“Maybe.” I say.

“You sound sad.” Michelle says.

“Do I?” I say.

Michelle looks at me and rolls her eyes then says, “Yes. You do.”

“I don’t know.” I say, “Maybe I thought we were gonna bump into each other and she’d leave her husband and we’d ride off into the dawn together.”

“Into the dawn?” Michelle asks. “Don’t you mean sunset”

“No.” I say looking at Michelle strangely.

“You are so off Jerry.” Michelle says.

“Oh shut up.” I say.

“If you saw her again, would you actually talk to her?” Michelle asks.

“I would, I really would.” I say.

“Well here’s your chance.” Michelle says and she pushes me and I dump into someone.

“Michelle!” I say as I slam right into Louise.

 

 

Announcement: I will be posting every other week for the next few months or so!