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And now we come to…the end of an era

Today, oddly enough was supposed to be the pay off FINALLY for a number of posts about relationships that I thought might be better than all my previous ruthless on relationships post. And indeed I’ll get to that later.

 

Instead,

Today is a day I bring us to a place I knew could happen, but was happy every time it didn’t. Today we end the hour for the last time. What do I mean? Today is the beginning of a goodbye party. For this blog. Oh it will continue to exist, but a transition is afoot. And so with all transitions, some things remain the same, while other change or are left behind.

If you would have told me 3 years ago as I was studying for the bar that we would be here I would be shocked. But if you would have told me that we would get here after 450 thousand views I’d also be shocked so much attention happened. Words Don’t Do It Justice started as an idea, a bit of fun, and a lot of me. I have buried hatchets with enemies because of this blog, reconnected with old friends, and made new ones because of this blog, found meaning in the midst of my own personal depression because of this place. I have consumed it, and let it consume me. I love it. But loving this blog means knowing what to do. And taking a good long look I know the thing to do is let it go.

But I said this was transition not destruction.

And indeed it is. I’ll be taking Words Don’t Do It Justice away from our blogging past into a show based future. For me, the question was one of logistics. Was it better to end everything and walk away from these years of effort, or find a way to keep the place alive in the hearts of all of you who have supported us? I choose to believe that you will keep supporting us, and I chose to keep this place alive in a new way.

That means giving you what we planned. Give No Quarter, The Wrath of Ruthless, and Words Don’t Do It Justice are the three pillars of Ruthless Radio. 3 shows with different formats that bring you many of the topics you might see written about here, but in a new form and with some new and old faces/voices. Over the next few weeks as we ready to for the relaunch of Words Don’t Do It Justice as a podcast, you’ll get to read some farewells from various alums, and hear from the incoming folks for these shows. You’ll also see the Words Don’t Do It Justice site itself undergo various changes. With plenty of hard work, luck, and you listening in, I hope to earn your trust for these new shows, and continue to hold our interest.

SO! What about Weekend’s Don’t Do It Justice?

Well I’m happy to say our little casual interest site is growing well. And it is going to continue. We had a nice response to the sample chapter from Project 13, and now that game of thrones is done you’ll see a lot of other reviews, news, and related content there. Our gamers are doing their thing, and if Vantinel’s CEO appearance is any indication of commitment, we will only continue to grow over there.

As I end for now I just want to say thank you, and of course to keep watching what we do. But more than that, thank you for being a force for us. We continued to push because you were there with us. 100,000 visitors, 450,000 views, and 3 years of growth, While things must change, I am glad to have made it to this point. A point that let’s me look back and say that YOU made us more than I imagined. And though Words Don’t Do It Justice…Thank you.

 

“THE Ruthless Wonder” Matthew Elisha Williams

Founder of Words Don’t Do It Justice

And now… at the end of the hour

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This week we debuted a brand new podcast with a livestream. We said goodbye to one of the founders. We tackled coons, and hoteps. As well as assault, and the HIV & AIDS treatment drug Truvada.

 

 

I skipped a couple lines to let that sink in.

When this started I literally just wanted to take my usual facebook ranting to a website. I figured it would be like the old days of my Xanga page. Now, now I deal with potential sponsors, have production meetings, worry about our average listening and reading time, and look for brand expansion.

I remind you, I was so bored in the last semester of law school I decided to make a blog to archive the things I would normally rant about on Facebook.

 

So you can understand that having gone from that place to now is rather…amazing if I’m honest. I had no idea. We’ve added and lost people over that time. But more than their contributions or mine, we’ve gotten to know a lot of you. As of this writing, 92,000 of you have come to get to know us over these 3 years of Words Don’t Do It Justice. And you must like it here, because you’ve dropped in 302,000 times.

300000

That is astounding. That is epic. And to think that it has all come before we put up a single ad, before we shilled a single product, without a marketing team, and mostly from the effort of our authors, and their friends and family who have additionally believed in us and shared us with other people.  I can’t tell you enough thank you for all you’ve done and continue to do. It really has made the difference.

What that means is even what I’ve done in the past year isn’t enough. I have to do more. And I am. While we lost a podcast co-host today, I’m proud to say we gained 2 new ones for our show Give No Quarter. While we have Reason on break for a while, I’m happy to say we will be launching Weekends Don’t Do It Justice as its own site (www.wkndlife.com www.weekendsdontdoitjustice.net www.weekendsdontdoitjustice.com). Look for a review of a hilariously bad movie coming over there soon from me.

Heck, go buy a shirt, phone case, hoodie or tank. https://www.teepublic.com/user/314publishing

Check out our current Shirt and cases designs. Buy one now while you wait for more. Click the photo to go straight to the store!

Check out our current Shirt and cases designs. Buy one now while you wait for more.
Click the photo to go straight to the store!

 

I’m also happy to say that I’m teaming with Mr. 9 to 5 gamer himself Bami O to open a new gaming site and channel called “Save State Society” (www.savestatesociety.com www.savestatesociety.net) here soon as well. And we’re open with some great games and reviews. But that is going to take a lot to talk about, and I’ve got work to do there.

You’re here reading because this is about Words Don’t Do it Justice. The granddaddy of them all. Okay, the origin of them all. Three years in, and even though health wise I’ve dealt with issues. Professional life wise, I’ve had great forward steps but also set backs. Heck life in general being strange. After all that I’m proud of where we are. Where you’ve brought us. And so for the third time we come to the end of the hour. Where I say thank you without any reservations. Where for the third time ever, I get to step out of my role as Head Blogger, Editor, Podcast host, Lucremo, THE Ruthless Wonder, and everything that comes with it, and instead just talk to you as Matt Williams. We have a few reflection pieces and some alumni coming back to give us a piece. And we are going to celebrate all the way to my personal birthday on March 14th. But right now I’m just going to end by saying thank you all for bringing me and us from where we were to where we are and pushing us forward to where we are going next. As always Words Don’t Do YOU Justice.

“THE Ruthless Wonder” Matthew Elisha Williams

The WRATH of Ruthless: A Double Dose of this Podcast

Double Dose of Ruthless Radio

Sometimes an episode gets lost in the shuffle of schedules and audio issues. Last week it happened again, so we shortened this week’s podcast in order to make sure we could bring you TWO count them TWO full episodes of The Wrath Of Ruthless. Below you’ll find our newest episode on Alimony Equality, and then below it our episode that should have aired last week on who should be telling the stories of a culture in the aftermath of FOX Searchlight’s purchase of Nate Parker’s Birth Of A Nation.

Don’t forget to check out our Storefront on Tee Public and support the podcasts and this website by buying a shirt, tank, hoodie, kids shirt, baseball tee, or phone case.

https://www.teepublic.com/user/314publishing

 

 

Notes From your Favorite Super Villain: “F*%K The Oscars!” You sure about that?

In a world where films matter more than people dying

In a place where black lives still matter unless Flint Michigan’s water is poisoning people.

One man dares talk about the trail of idiocy from this year’s Oscar nominations after already getting to it on his podcast.

In 2016 THE Ruthless Wonder is…

LEX LUTHOR

…of the internet.

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You truly long time readers remember me and black people in films. And of course podcast listeners to The WRATH of Ruthless already have experienced my opinion about the Oscars this year. And you may think that between the podcast last week, the dem nominee debate Sunday night, the Rep nominee friday, and literally a small fuck ton of happenings that it is odd I’m going back to the Oscar well. Well…your wrong. This piece is not about how shockingly white the Oscars are this year. This isn’t even about our WDDIJ bets on Leo losing again and thus making our #LeoAtTheOscars contest even funnier. This is about the reaction of you dolts to the nominations.

Back in the first year of this wonderful world of Ruthlessness and Wonder I talked about making a territory of the US for black people. Mostly to make fun of the hoteps and pro blacks out there who lack a fundamental understanding of the flexibility of governance in the US as well as the stupid idea of any back to Africa based movement that includes making a new place. But if you took from that piece that I’m against fighting the power of something by coming up with an alternative you’ve not been paying attention then, or right now.

Every year since I’ve been aware enough to know and understand what exactly the Oscars were I’ve wondered about the place of black people in them. But deeper than that I wondered how they became so important. And then I realized something. Like most things in America’s cultural past. And indeed like many modern customs and traditions. The power exists because it is so ubiquitous in a place or among a people that it has normalized there. The Academy Awards are not different. Not at all. But this isn’t about the awards it is about the reaction.

When you see the lack of communities of color in the nominations, it speaks to that internal notion of injustice. And it is right for you to experience that. But allow me to take your energy and turn it into something positive. Something better. While admittedly, also taking a shot at a bastion of the civil rights movement. Where is the community of color version of the Oscars? I don’t mean a Latino only award show. And I DEFINITELY don’t mean the NAACP Image Awards. Look, I’m an NAACP member. I’m a former teen president of an NAACP chapter, I’ve done their ACT-SO competition, I’ve volunteered with them for multiple protests as recently as 2014 in St. Louis. I have no beef with the NAACP except for the Image Awards.

Why? Because it is possibly the biggest waste of time in award show season. Why? Lack of focus. And even more, lack of positioning. What do I mean? The Image Awards certainly could have been the alternative to the Oscars. When the first one occurred, the intention was to honor black people in specific areas. It was more about fixing who should have gotten an Oscar, Grammy, Emmy, or Tony nomination than truly making itself stand apart. And even now it is littered with the same sentiment. Because it is easy to hover in that space. So, what then? What do you do?

Well thank you for asking the question. It should have a very obvious answer but I guess I need to break this down. In America you cannot topple every long standing tradition. This is why the AFL became the AFC and is a part of the NFL not the other way around. But I don’t want the Image Awards folded into the Oscars either. Instead, Leave literally all of these awards alone in their structure. Instead, take the Image awards and move them to the first of the year, before the Golden Globes. Announce the nominees before the Globes, BAFTAs, and Oscars. And otherwise let it be what it is. A showcase of well known black talent. Why move it? Because It should start award season. It needs to be televised on a major channel in order for ever other awards voter to see who’s got some buzz going into the nominations.

So what else right? This can’t just be about moving the Image awards. Oddly enough folks you’re right. This is about something else being drawn up from the bottom of my brain into the public space. The American Institute of Film. And The American Music Institute. And The American Institute for Television and Mass Media. Don’t worry if you have never of these. I’ve conjured them whole cloth from my genius brain. Why? Because the names are inoffensive, and don’t directly tell you who they serve. Why? Because this town needs no not an enema, it needs an enemy. Much as I am a neo-monarchist, I am as much a conqueror. And the challenge of taking down the high place the Oscars and the Academy have run to needs more than just an army of black people shouting “Black Actors Matter!” And this is the way to do it.

AIF does an awards show, but unlike the Oscars, makes it public who the initial voters are. Obviously the idea is to cater to all communities of color in America, with the same token representation for American’s ethnic classification majority aka White People as the Academy gives to Black people and women. Why? Because this is protest as much as it is honor. No racial quotes, no bigoted rhetoric, just very clearly an agenda, but one you can’t call out in public. After all turnabout is fair play. Age wise these voters come across age groups and that is where the balance is attempted. All of the 500 voters(I like numbers that are easy to segment), running from 18 to as old as possible to watch all these films, vote after a committee does the nominees. So you can already see the similarity to the Oscars. Same with the AMI, and to a degree with the AITMM. In this new media world honoring online talents is just as important.

Why do this? Why not make something that exists better? Oh we should. I was getting to that. The reason you need something brand new is that the way things are now makes it impossible to ignore the track record, impression, and internalized beliefs of what exists. Despite all he has done since Mike Vick is a dog fighter. But also, it seems like pandering to take something and start remolding it. Forcing change on the Oscars requires pressure. So what do you do with the new pressure on the Oscars, Emmys, Tonys, and Grammys? You use it to get new voting members in. I spoke just a bit ago about having an army to fight with you. And it needing to be bigger than just black people. What is in the end stronger than every community of color developing, supporting, and championing awards that don’t just tangentially recognize the most famed in a particular part of entertainment as they are forced to take sub-optimal positions in majority culture?

This is about pressing together. And yes you need the film critics. You need a generational change in who is listened to. Well that takes the influence of those at the forefront. And at the same time, you have to work inside the system. Jada Pinkett-Smith said she was boycotting the Oscars. I was disappointed. I think there is nothing more powerful than every black actor, director, writer, and technical worker in the film industry showing up, mobbing the red carpet, doing the interviews, being there in the crowd, and clapping until the camera hits them. And trolling the Oscar coverage by stopping and scowling each time they are on camera. Maybe if bold enough, flashing a sign that says #NotMyAwards If Alejandro González Iñárritu wins for The Revanant and did that after? Everyone would ask about it. And then he’d say My Awards are the AIF’s (insert cool reference nickname). 

The bottom line is you can change things but it takes more than one tactic. It takes some “dirty pool” at times. Hell it takes some straight up old school bullying. Put that Alternative show 2 nights before the Oscars 1 weekend before, or After. Publically say voters for it have until after the Oscars to put in their votes. You have to put pressure where you can. And you have to work together as communities of color to make it happen. I could go on and on about this. And talk for a while about the AITMM idea. But as you good and damn  well know by now, Words Don’t Do It Justice!

THE Ruthless Wonder

Louise ∞ 6

Welcome to the Love World of Reason…

“Sorry ma’am my co-worker…” I say as I look at the ground, hoping Louise hasn’t seen my face.

“Ma’am?” Louise says laughing, “How old do you think I am?”

“Oh no, it was just a way….” I stumble on my words. “I was just being polite ma’am…uh mm…miss.”

“Well polite is a very subjective thing wouldn’t you say?” Louise says.

“No, uh yes, yes, of course ma’am…I mean miss.” I say, still looking at the ground. I try to walk away before Louise can recognize me.

“Leaving so soon?” Louise says.

“Yes, I uh have things back to look for and stuff to check stuff and to see things…” I say as I try to rush to the backroom.

“You were always a bad liar.” Louise says.

I stop dead in my tracks. I’m not sure what to do. “Yes, he is a horrible liar, Mrs. Louise. Aren’t you Jerry?” Michelle says.

I look at Michelle and I think this time I really will kill her. “Well, don’t just stand there BJ, come greet your old friend.” Louise says.

“I umm yeah, yeah of course…old friend.” I say as I finally turn around to face Louise.

“You haven’t aged a day Mr. Carr.” Louise says.

I just stand there looking at her. I haven’t seen her up close in so long. She looks different now. Still beautiful, but more…mature, like she’s lived life. “You look beautiful.” Is all I can manage to say.

“Thank you.” Louise says. “So how have you been, I haven’t seen you in twenty something years. It seems like a lifetime ago.”

“Seems like yesterday to me.” I say.

 

 

 

“What do you mean you’re going to the army?” Louise says running after me.

Damn does this girl ever give up, “Goodbye Louise.” I say walking out of the auditorium doors.

“So that’s it.” Louise says walking outside, “You’re just going to the army and I’m never going to see you again, is that it?”

I don’t answer her. I just get in my car and drive away. I can see her in my rear view looking at me with disbelief in her eyes. I hate that I have to do this, but this is what’s best for everyone. She wouldn’t understand if I tried to explain.

I get home and I go in my room to finish packing. I don’t even know why I went to that stupid graduation. Oh right Mrs. Beck forced me to. I love her to death, but sometime she really annoys the crap outta me. Now I have to try to forget the look on Louise’s face as I walked away from her, again.

“Mom!” I call out. “Mom, I’m leaving.” I don’t know why I bother, I know she’s either not here or too drunk to respond. I walk to her room to see her passed out on the floor, half naked. I pick her up and put her in the bed.

“Jerry.” Louise says.

“What are you doing here?” I say. I close the door to my mom’s room.

“I just.” Louise says, “I wanted to say goodbye.”

“We already did that.” I say walking passed her.

Louise follows me, “I know, but…”

I turn to look at her, “But what?” I ask.

“I don’t know.” Louise whispers looking at the ground.

“You’re not going to change my mind.” I say. “I’m leaving for the army tonight.”

“I know.” Louise says looking down.

She doesn’t look angry or sad, she looks…defeated. Oh God what am I doing to the woman I love. “Please leave.” I say, “This is hard enough.”

“It is?” Louise says looking at me puzzled.

“What?” I say, “Of course it’s hard.”

“I thought you didn’t love me anymore.” Louise says.

I walk to her and hold her face in my hands, “I love you. I will always love you. That’s the problem.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Louise says, “If you love me then why break up with me? Why leave to go to the army? You hate the army Jerry.”

“It’s better this way.” I say taking a step away from her.

“Better for who?” Louise says, “For you? Certainly not for me.”

“You don’t understand.” I say.

“Finally something we both agree on.” Louise says.

“I have to finish packing.” I say turning around. Louise walks towards me and hugs me from behind. “Lou, please…”

“Ok. I’ll go. Just let me smell you…one last time.” Louise says as she hugs me so tight I can hear her breathing me in.

Oh God. I turn around and stare into her eyes. Now she is crying. Again. How many times has my love cried for me? Because of me? I move my face close to hers, so close our noses touch. I want to stare into her eyes one last time. We stay like that for a while. Finally Louise kisses me. She kisses me like she’s never kissed me before. Like she knows she will never kiss me again. She starts to take off my shirt.

“Lou…” I start to say.

“Shh. I know.” Louise says as she kisses me again. She takes off my shirt first. Then my pants. She leads me to the bed and climbs on top of me. She kisses my neck then my chest. Then she takes off her dress. She kisses me again. I turn her around so that I am on top of her. I stare at her for a long time before I kiss her. We kiss for what seems like forever then we finally make love. Tears are falling from both of our eyes. But neither of us say anything. We just lay there naked in each other’s arms. As Louise is laying on my chest I can tell she is listening to my heartbeat. A heartbeat that matches her own.

“I know you want me to leave.” Louise says after a while. “And I will, in a moment.”

I say nothing. At this point I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

After a few minutes Louise gets up and gets dressed. “I love you.” Louise says as she walks out of my room.

 

 

 

“Hey Jerry, why don’t you just go talk to Louise. I can handle the morning rush.” Michelle says.

“There’s like no one here.” I say.

“Exactly.” Michelle says, “Don’t worry about meanager, go catch up with your old girlfriend.”

“Lovely.” Louise says, “What do you say Jerry, catch up with your old girlfriend?”

I look at Michelle and try to give her the-I’m-really-going-to-kill-you-this-time look, but she is already gone. “Sure.”

“So what have you been up to Jerry?” Louise says once we sit down in the table at the corner of the café.

“Nothing.” I say.

“Nothing?” Louise says laughing, “I haven’t seen you in twenty years and ‘nothing’ is the best you can do? What happened in the army? How was that?”

“I never went.” I say looking at the salt on the table. Why do we have salt on the table? We mostly sell pastries and coffee.

“What do you mean you never went?” Louise says looking at me strangely. “Where did you go after graduation?”

“Did you get to walk?” I ask.

“What?” Louise asks.

“At graduation.” I say, “You came to my house, but I just realized they most likely didn’t call your name yet so you probably didn’t have a chance to walk.”

“No, I didn’t.” Louise says.

“Wow, I’m sorry.” I say, “I know how much that meant to you. Walking I mean.”

Louise just looks at me. I know what she’s thinking. Even after all these years I can read her like a book. “So do you have any kids?” Louise asks changing the subject.

“No, no kids.” I say, “Do you?”

“I’m a writer.” Louise says. “But I’m sure Michelle has told you that.”

“Yeah, you’re really good.” I say.

“I bet you were surprised.” Louise says laughing, “I only passed my English classes in high school because you wrote half my papers.”

“I forgot about that.” I say laughing, “You were a really bad writer Lou.”

“That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile since I’ve been in here.” Louise says.

“What? This isn’t the first time you’ve seen me in here?” I asks.

“Oh please Jerry.” Louise says, “You really think I didn’t see you hiding behind every wall and chair?”

“Wow.” I say, shaking my head. “So why didn’t you say anything?”

“Obviously you weren’t ready to see me.” Louise says. “But Michelle says you would be eventually. She said to give you some time.”

“Michelle?” I say looking angrily in the direction of the backroom.

“Don’t be mad at her.” Louise says, “She loves you. At first I thought you guys were together, because of the way she talked about you I mean. But she clarified that you were like a grandfather to her.”

“Grandfather?” I say laughing, “I’m not that old.”

“I know.” Louise says laughing, “She’s really funny Jerry. Why aren’t you guys together?”

“It’s never been like that with us.” I say.

“I know, I’m asking why?” Louise asks.

“I don’t know.” I say, “When we met we just clicked, in a different way and it always stayed that way. Besides sometimes I think she doesn’t like men or something.”

“She’s not a lesbian Jerry.” Louise says shaking her head.

“How would you know?” I ask smiling.

“Because, I’m a woman and I know.” Louise says.

“Well I think you’re wrong.” I say still smiling.

“Oh Jerry, don’t you know, boyfriends are supposed to let their girlfriends win sometimes.” Louise says smiling.

I stop smiling. Those words. I know she only meant to be funny, but I don’t know. It takes me back to when she first said them…when we were six. “I probably should get back to work.” I say. “It was really nice seeing you Louise.”

I get up and walk to the backroom. I hear Louise trying to say something, but it’s too late, I’m already gone.

 

Check out my last post: Angry Black Queen

Louise ∞ 5

Welcome to the Love World of Reason…

I’m lying in bed thinking about what Michelle told me. Louise is married. I shouldn’t be surprised. A woman as perfect as Louise wouldn’t be single for long. I guess Mrs. McDowe was wrong, fate hasn’t brought us together. But there is some good news: Louise is only here to visit, so after she leaves I can go back to normal…only thinking about her every other day as opposed to everyday. Wonderful. I’m definitely not getting any sleep tonight. I get up and go through the books that Michelle left. The books Louise wrote. Who would have known that my Louise would become a famous writer? As I’m going through some of these poems and skimming through the novels, I can see that Michelle was right…I did hurt Louise. I feel awful. I was so young, I thought I was doing the right thing, but I can see now that I was wrong. I look through the books all night, until it is time to go to work. I get dressed. I don’t bother eating breakfast. I have no appetite. I get to work and it’s just me and Jack who are serving the morning shift. If Louise comes in I’m going to have to fake a heart attack or something.

“Jerry, my man, how’s things? Great. I got here a little early today so I already did everything, now all we have to do is wait for the customers. Are you ready Jerry? I am. I love this job, I gotta tell you, it is awe-some.” Jack says.

“Cool.” I say and I quickly walk away before Jack can continue talking. I kind of like working with Jack, he gets here over an hour early to get everything “just right”, but he never shuts up. Customers love him, but the rest of us can only take so much of the rambling. So today my to-do list consist of hiding from Louise and Jack.

“Jerry, my man. Jonny just called and said he’s not coming in today, he’s not feeling well, but he left me in charge. But don’t take it like that man, I’m not like your boss or anything, it’s just temporary you know. I’m sure we’ll get along just like we always do. Don’t let this whole “me being your boss” thing change things between us, alright man. You’re still my man. We’re cool. We’re just gonna pretend like nothing has changed…” Jacob says.

“Hey Jacob.” I cut him off, “I think I heard a customer come in.”

“I didn’t hear the door chime.” Jacob says, “I’m usually in tune with that chimer man, trust me…”

“Yeah, yeah but just to be sure, you know, you might wanna go check.” I say, “Jonny did put you in charge?”

“You know what bud.” Jacob says, “You’re right, I’ll go check that out.”

“Thank God.” I say a little more loudly than I intended.

“What’s that bud?” Jacob says.

“Where’s Bob.” I say. “Bob, you know Bob?”

“No, is he new?” Jacob says.

“The door, remember?” I say pointing to the front of the café.

While Jacob goes to the front, I find a nice hiding place. I brought one of Louise’s books with me, it’s about two lovers who never physically met but feel in love through writing letters. It’s actually pretty interesting, considering the fact that I hate to read. I was never really much of an academic scholar, that was more Louise. I was more of the hands on type. I could fix anything I put my hands on. The plan was for me to go to a vocational school nearby and Louise would go to a local university, but that never happened. I’m not sure what Louise did. At the end of graduation I joined the army and never looked back.

 

“So that’s it.” Louise says, “You break up with me and now you can’t even talk to me.”

“I have nothing to say.” I say. It’s been a few weeks since I broke up with Louise. I’ve done a pretty good job at avoiding her, but today is graduation day.

“Can we talk?” Louise asks.

“Like I said before, I have nothing to say.” I say to Louise and I walk away. It’s taking everything in me to not turn around and wrap her in my arms and ask for her forgiveness.

“Jerry.” Mrs. Beck says, “Where’s your mother?”

“She couldn’t make it.” I say.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Mrs. Beck says, “How is she holding up?”

“Hey, I’m sorry, I really can’t talk about this right now.” I say. Mrs. Beck is my English teacher.

“I understand.” Mrs. Beck says. “Can I do anything?”

“You’ve done everything you’ve possible could Tina.” I say. Mrs. Beck and I have been on a first name bases ever since my dad passed.

“I wish I could do more.” Mrs. Beck says.

“I know.” I say, “Believe me I wouldn’t have been able to get through this without you.”

“Louise has been starring at you since you walked over here.” Mrs. Beck says.

“Tina.” I say. I know where she’s going with this and I don’t want to hear it.

“Okay. Okay.” Mrs. Beck says, “I’ll mind my own business.”

“Good.” I say smiling at her.

“Excuse me sir.” Mrs. Beck says laughing, “Alright well the ceremony about to start, I’ll see you after?”

“Probably not.” I say, “I’m not sure if I’ll even stay till the end.”

“Jerry.” Mrs. Beck starts to say but I cut her off.

“I know, I know but I can’t bear to look at her Tina, I just cant.” I say.

“Alright.” Mrs. Beck says softly, “You have my number.”

“Yes, I know, keep in touch.” I say.

I walk over to my seat. My last name is Carr, so it shouldn’t be too long before I can sneak out of here. “Jerry, hey, sorry about your dad.” Megan says.

“It’s cool.” I say. I hate the whole sorry for your lost crap. People don’t actually care, it’s just the polite thing to say.

They finally call me up and I walk across the stage and get my diploma, I don’t bother trying to look happy, because I’m not. No one is here taking pictures of me anyway. After I get off the stage I open my diploma only to see it is empty. What the hell. “They mail it to you.” Louise says.

“Aren’t you supposed to be sitting waiting for them to call you up?” I say.

“That won’t happen anytime soon.” Louise says, “Besides, I figured you’d try to sneak out after you walked and I wanted to see you.”

“You don’t give up.” I say.

“I never gave up when we played hide and seek when we were six so why would I give up now?” Louise says smiling.

That smile. If I don’t leave soon, I’m going to cave. “As I remember it, you always give up after one minute of not finding me.” I say.

“If I remember correctly, boyfriends are supposed to let girlfriends win sometimes.” Louise says, her eyes filling with tears.

I can’t do this again, I just can’t, “Look I gotta go.” I say walking away.

“JB.” Louise says. “Please just tell me why.”

“I’m going to the army.” I say as I walk away, “I leave tonight.”

 

“So how was work today Jerry?” Michelle asks.

I lay down on Michelle’s couch, “It was…I don’t really know, I can’t remember much, it was a blur.”

“Was Louise there?” Michelle asks.

“No.” I say.

“I found out some more stuff.” Michelle says.

“How?” I ask.

“Google.” Michelle says turning her laptop screen so I can see it.

It’s a video of Louise, she’s having an interview with some talk show host. Her image is disguised, but it’s her voice. “Why is she disgusting herself?” I ask no one in particular.

“She wants to stay anonymous.” Michelle says.

We watch the entire thirty minute interview. “She says the reason she’s even doing the interview is because she feels an obligation to her fans, but if that were true, wouldn’t she just show her self.” I say.

“I’m sure there’s a reason why she didn’t.” Michelle says.

“Yeah, a serious reason.” I say.

***

Days have passed and Louise has not come to the shop. Michelle thinks maybe she’s left town, but I don’t think so. She was here to get inspiration, I doubt that has happened already. But maybe I’m just being hopeful. But wait, I wanted Louise to leave. Right? Oh God, I don’t know what I want.

“Still no Louise huh?” Michelle says one day at work.

“Nope.” I say.

“I think she maybe gone.” Michelle says.

“Maybe.” I say.

“You sound sad.” Michelle says.

“Do I?” I say.

Michelle looks at me and rolls her eyes then says, “Yes. You do.”

“I don’t know.” I say, “Maybe I thought we were gonna bump into each other and she’d leave her husband and we’d ride off into the dawn together.”

“Into the dawn?” Michelle asks. “Don’t you mean sunset”

“No.” I say looking at Michelle strangely.

“You are so off Jerry.” Michelle says.

“Oh shut up.” I say.

“If you saw her again, would you actually talk to her?” Michelle asks.

“I would, I really would.” I say.

“Well here’s your chance.” Michelle says and she pushes me and I dump into someone.

“Michelle!” I say as I slam right into Louise.

 

 

Announcement: I will be posting every other week for the next few months or so!

Louise ∞ 4

Welcome to the Love World of Reason…

Seeing Louise sends me into a panic so I rush to the backroom. I text Michelle so she can take Louise’s table. “Jerry what the hell was that?” Jonny asks.

“What do you mean?” I say, trying to sound confused.

“You ran in here like someone was chasing you.” Jonny says angrily, “Did you even greet that customer that just walked in?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah I did.” I lie, “Look Jonny, to be honest, I’m really not feeling well. I think it’s probably better if I just hang out back here.”

Hang out?” Jonny says, “I wasn’t aware this was a hang out spot.”

“I mean, I can help out back here.” I say annoyed, “I just don’t think it would be a good idea if the customers see me coughing and sneezing.”

“But you’re not coughing or sneezing.” Jonny says looking at me strangely.

“Acho.” I say pretending to sneeze, “Yeah it comes and goes.”

Jonny rolls his eyes and walks away.

“Seriously?” Michelle walks into the backroom, “Could you have made that anymore obvious?”

“Did she see me?” I say, “Did she say something?”

“You’re like a little boy who has a crush on his teacher.” Michelle says, “Get it together Jerry.”

“I know, I know.” I say, “Damnit.”

“Just go talk to her.” Michelle says, “Or just pretend like you’re her server and see if she even recognizes you.”

Or…” I say. “I’ll hang out back here until she leaves… Tell me when she leaves okay.”

“I will do no such thing.” Michelle says as she walks back to the front of the café.

I straighten things up in the backroom and do some of the chores I would normally do before clocking out. All the while peeking to see what Louise is doing. Michelle is right, I need to get a grip. If Louise really has moved to Blanca, I can’t possible hide out here every time she comes into the café.

 

 

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1!” Louise screams, “Jerry ready or not here I come.”

I can hear Louise running, she giggles as she looks for me. She won’t find me here. I picked the best hiding place. I always do.

“Jerry.” Louise screams, “I give up come out!”

Louise always gives up after a few seconds of not finding me.

“Jerry.” Louise says, “C’mon. No fair come out.”

I wait a few minutes then run out to Louise and say, “Told you, you wouldn’t find me.”

“How come you find all the good hiding places?” Louise asks.

“Cause I’m good at hiding.” I say.

“Louise, Jerry come inside, lunch is ready.” My dad screams to us from inside the house.

“Beat you to the door.” I say as I take off running.

“Hey, no fair.” Louise says, “Wait up.”

“Told you I would beat you to the door.” I say to Louise once we get inside.

“I thought you said you were my boyfriend now.” Louise says.

“Yeah, so?” I say.

“Well boyfriends are supposed to let girlfriends win sometimes.” Louise says pouting.

“Nu huh.” I say, “Who told you that?”

“I just know, okay.” Louise says.

“Well you’re wrong.” I say.

“Oh yeah?” Louise says, “Let’s ask my mom.”

“Mom.” Louise says, “Aren’t boyfriends supposed to let girlfriends win sometimes?”

“Yes that is right Lou Lou.” Louise’s mom, Raina says.

“Told you!” Louise says.

“Dad, mom are boyfriends supposed to let girlfriends win sometimes?” I ask.

“No, sir that isn’t true.” My dad says, but then he looks at my mom and says, “Ah actually son, that, that is true.”

I look at Louise and our moms and they are smiling from ear to ear; my dad and Louise’s dad are shaking their heads and also smiling. “It looks like all the girls think it’s true and all the boys are doing what the girls say.” I say.

“And if you want to be a happy boyfriend you will do the same.” Louise says and we all laugh.

 

 

“Hey Jerry, how’s it going?” Mike says.

Mike is a new server, “Hey Mike. What you doing here so early, I thought you were working the evening shift?”

“Jerry, it’s like 4 o’clock.” Mike says laughing, “What are you putting in that coffee of yours huh?”

“Man, I didn’t realize it was so late.” I say.

“Jerry, let’s go.” Michelle says, “Time to clock out.”

“You aren’t allowed to leave until you are finished all your work.” Jonny says rudely.

“Jerry did it all.” Michelle says, “Every last chore, and he even started some of the evening shift chores.”

“You did?” Jonny asks me.

“Yeah, I guess so.” I say looking around.

I must have been really distracted, thinking about Louise. “See, there you go.” Michelle says, “Goodnight everyone. Jerry Let’s go now!”

“What’s the rush?” I say once we get in the car.

“I did some snooping.” Michelle says, “I spoke to Louise, it’s definitely her.”

“What?” I say, “What did she say? How do you know for sure? Did she say something about me?”

“Why don’t we wait till we get home, then we can talk.” Michelle says.

I want to protest, but I can tell by Michelle’s tone she isn’t going to budge. Now I’m thinking all kinds of things. What could Louise have possibly told Michelle? What could Michelle have possible told Louise? I hope she didn’t mention my name. Finally we pull up to the apartment, “Okay.” I say, “We’re home. Tell me.”

“Go take a shower.” Michelle says, “I’ll be right over.”

“Damn Michelle.” I say as I get out of the car. I rush upstairs to take a shower. My nerves are building with each passing moment. After I get out the shower Michelle is waiting for me on the couch. She’s made tea. This can’t be good.

“At first I wasn’t sure if I should ask…” Michelle starts then hesitates, “But she was so friendly so I felt comfortable talking to her.”

“Ohhkkaay” I say trying to be patient.

“First I asked her, what brings her here.” Michelle says, “You know, to Blanca and she says she’s visiting. She’ll be leaving in a couple of months.”

“Okay, that’s good.” I say, but I’m not sure if I really think that’s a good or not.

“She decided to come here, because she’s a writer and she needed a quiet place to get inspiration.” Michelle says.

“A writer?” I say. I never saw that coming. Louise was never good at writing. Science was her best subject. I’ve always imagined her as a doctor or a professor at some fancy university. “What else did she say?”

“I asked what her name was to see if I had heard of any of her books.” Michelle says, “She then told me that her name is Louise, but has a pin name: Liliana Carr.”

“Wait, wait.” I say, “Liliana Carr?”

“When I asked if it had some special meaning, she hesitated then told me her high school sweetheart’s last name was Carr.” Michelle says.

“My last name is Carr.” I say absentmindedly.

“Yeah, I know.” Michelle says sarcastically.

“Oh right.” I say, “So what else happened?”

“I asked her why she decided to use that name and she said it’s because it was after her high school sweetheart broke her heart that she started writing.” Michelle says quietly.

“I don’t understand.” I say.

“The way she described it, you breaking up with her gave her the inspiration to write.” Michelle says, “From the pain of the breakup came a bunch of wonderful works of art. She’s actually really famous. Well, her writing is.”

“I’ve never heard of a Lilian Carr.” I say.

“You don’t read Jerry.” Michelle says, “She’s famous to people who actually read novels and poems.”

“So wait, you know her work then?” I ask.

“I actually own a bunch of her work.” Michelle says, taking out a stack of books and putting them on the table.

“This is all her?” I ask, “Louise?”

“Yeah. There’s a lot more, but this is all I have.” Michelle says. “It’s mostly romance novels.”

“Oh.” I say. I’m not really sure what else to say.

“But Jerry, almost all the novels have a sad ending.” Michelle says, “You really hurt her.”

“Thanks Michelle.” I say.

“Sorry.” Michelle says, “But anyway that’s not all.”

Wonderful, there’s more. “What is it?” I ask.

Michelle whispers, “She’s married Jerry.”

As a refresher I’ve included the links to all the parts to Louise!