I can’t be your anchor anymore, my ship has already set sail, but I’ll be back one day to see what you chose, because in the end I had to find my own freedom.”
Confronted with your past self, you have a couple of choices. Explain, or reject. I choose both…
I am THE Ruthless Wonder not a ruthless wonder and welcome back to Words Don’t Do It Justice. When we last spoke I talked of the dreams that may come. Of what might be. Today I want to hit the wayback machine and talk about relationships, ideas, love, and yes personal philosophy, all while talking about me BEFORE the Ruthless Revolution. Strap in, this is gonna get dark, and personal. IKUZO!
The Path We Walk
When asked about who I am, in whatever form you ask it, I may respond about this version of me being so and so. And that can throw people off. We’re used to people considering themselves the same but just growing throughout their lives. I fundamentally reject that notion. And I have for a long time. Far before the revolution that would make me THE Ruthless Wonder, even before the attempts to live a normal life. In fact so far back that the people who knew me then now have kids at the age I first experienced this, I had what most would call an epiphany. But what I would say was the most damaging moment of my life. This was not a death of a family member or friend. This was not a loss of something important. Not even a failure at something. This was a straight out the curtain over the universe was pulled back and I was blinded by reality beneath the reality I knew. I’ll tell you more about that near the end of this section tho. It isn’t important yet.
After my epiphany I had trouble with everything. Coming to a realization about the world around me, I wondered about something that would screw with my ideas of love. Why? Well until that point, I understood people and love the way I was taught. Family love, friend love, and romantic love. this event introduced a problem with those categories. And it came at a time in which I was truly learning about myself. Sharp eyed readers might believe this is about being adopted, and you’d be wrong. As family will tell you. I’ve always known that. No, this was about the nature of people creeping in. We have some central conceits about humanity in the modern age. And whether you formally accept or reject them, they are the barometer of your position. The waypoint your thoughts branch from. And that is a necessity. We couldn’t operate as individuals without that waypoint.
We’ve talked about the corruption of civilization by the idea of society, and our humanity coming from that corruption. This on it’s own as a thought, is a rejection of the central conceit that humanity and society were developed as a positive evolution. Similarly we have a central conceit that learning must come before growth can occur. Acceptance then is traditional education. Rejection though, rejection breaks the wheel. How do you grow without learning? Experience? Trial and error? No, these are still means of education just not classes. Rejection is forced evolution. Adaptation borne of necessity, the process lost in the recreation. And much harder to pull off. Because you learn after it happens not before. Some people sadly know an example of this. Everyone who learned to swim by being tossed in the deep end of a pool. Who went broke to fund and idea. Who asked out someone they were interested in right in front of their friends. And that first time you drank, smoked, snorted, or dropped too much. Smaller scale than what we’re gonna get to, but there is your jumping on point.
So let’s talk about mine.
If there are people who are considered psychologically “normal,” and there are people who are psychopaths, sociopaths, then shouldn’t this mean there are people who just can’t experience human emotions? Now step deeper. If we can be taught to love and hate, can’t we be taught to reject emotions? Here is where I started, but it was only the base for my epiphany. In the midst of reading Hobbes’ “The Leviathan” at age 10 I wasn’t sure of it, but I thought I might be on to something. And bless my Mother. She unleashed me on anything I thought I wanted to read. So Hobbes led to More and “Utopia.” That lead to Machevili and “The Prince”, Sun Tzu and “The Art of War,” and combined in high school with my debate coach Gloria Henry’s philosophy assignments, I found Rousseau, Dewey, Locke, Aquinas, Aristotle, Socrates, Montaigne, and the big one, Plato.
It was in reading “The Republic” where the curtain rolled back. If we can be taught emotional states, then emotional states are artificial creations. And that means we only know what these are because before us humans created the idea of them and taught them forward. Love, sorrow, rejection, anger, these names are just what we termed chemical responses in our brains, and are reshaped into what we know them to be by the time we start to experience them by the ones who teach us about them. If these are shaped by our nature, and reshaped by our nurturing, then they can be changed. They can be eliminated. Which means they aren’t real to begin with.
Seems innocuous. Seems like a simple thing. Not life changing to a degree that it would wreck part of someone’s life right? I mean it is just philosophy run amock. Ah, but you forgot when I said this occurred. I was in the middle of everyone’s favorite insanity, our teenage years. In the face of all the hormones, all the emotions, and some serious life stress. During what would become my first fight against depression, the first one I managed to survive against my wishes, but not the last, I was seeing a possibility that one might call dangerous. So I ask, if nothing we feel is real, can we unlearn it? Yes. And I say again, the rejection of learning before growth means massive change and evolution and learning what it is after it is complete.
Love does not exist
Oh you knew we were going here, don’t be surprised. In that moment, the immediate focus of my epiphany was deleting the need for love. By this age I’d written Honey Brown Suga. I’d gotten way too into R&B, and lets save this from getting into a high school crush conversation. So I wanted out of that romantic love paradigm first. I felt like I could control the rest easy, but it was love, love fucked with me. Hell sometimes even now, love FUCKS with me. So what makes this a Ruthless On Relationships worthy piece? Let’s jump WAY forward and get to it. That’s right, the whole previous section was set up to get you to this.
Armed with years of trying to unlearn love and having some levels of success is dope until you run into…issues. I make no bones about having been an asshole at times. I fixed that to become an arrogant prick with a superiority complex. The side effect of that was really eliminating my rage and anger. It takes a lot of provocation to get a rise out of me now. And I’m open to a lot more perspectives than I agree with. Sorrow? I get depressed or sad and turn it into beautiful things. I hate it, but it works. What exactly did you think I used to get back to writing here? Magic? Need for attention? Come on now. 2011 brought me back to writing poetry, but free of needing to be inspired to write. And there I thought, if I am truly in control now, I can handle a relationship. I don’t need love, I want it. And if I want something, then it is okay to seek it out. SO I sought out love in the way normal people have it, with my flair for the dramatic and…Ruthless.
By the date of our quote there I was face deep in normal people happy, which meant letting some folks who were out of my life stay there. Ah again you hit a snag, wasn’t that about the woman you dated Ruthless? No, not even close. That quote was about someone I was leaving to their own bullshit. I say bullshit because looking back, they were taking advantage of my lack of ill will towards exes to be around as a friend. I allowed it because I didn’t care. The woman in front of me was amazing. No joke I thought for a moment in time I might have cracked the universe’s code. But this isn’t about her. At the time I was being reminded again about that forced evolution without learning. Because I was forcing myself to become the me needed to be in that relationship without growing there naturally. And if everyone is honest, I shouldn’t have been in that relationship in the first place.
Instead, I bring this quote today because it can be a bit perplexing to look back at me at different points. This quote is after the revolution(Where I became the confident super villain), but before WDDIJ, and sounds like something I’d say as a much different version of myself. Something more like the kid trying to unlearn love so he can’t be hurt again. How does that work? Only one thing fits the bill. Love. Bane of my existence. Cheapest solution to some of the best movies I’ve watched. Harbinger of more of my resurrections than I care to admit to. But let’s separate it a bit. We are talking about romantic attraction and…you know what? you guys like graphics? I got a graphic that will help smooth this up a bit.
See? Graphics. Makes this make more sense. SO the quest to unlearn emotions was focused on eliminating all of these. Instead I was able to control them. 3 of those 4 had no severe impact, and the 4th was now under my thumb, or so I thought. So I bid goodbye to someone who thought I was still a future option for them so long as she kept playing nice and reminding me of things from time to time. I won’t tell you WHY she wasn’t with me, but let’s say ANYONE who heard what happened would have been out as well. I was just a nicer person because I didn’t care about losing love.
No instead I wanted to be clear when I saw she was trying to get more involved in my life because I was on the right track and found someone I decided I wanted to be with, that it was time for her to go. Sounds screwed up when I say it like that, doesn’t it? It should, I was. Again, details are the death of other friendships, so none here. But I made this section love doesn’t exist for a reason. It doesn’t. And the graphic should clue you in further. By the time of the quote I had realized what is represented here and a bit more. All 4 together is what we perceive as love. Take out 1 and it isn’t that anymore, just a combination of attractions. And romantic attraction is that one.
I had grown to control that one thing, to make it work for me, but I hadn’t learned the how of it, the methodology to do that, until after it occurred. I can and could cut off romantic attraction like the other 3 with no more than a thought. I had forced myself to do so as part of trying to unlearn love. Because I didn’t know what I learned after. Love doesn’t exist. Romantic attraction does. And like everything else, you can break it down enough to delete the effect on you. By unlearning the perception of it. And once you do, there is no limit. I had evolved. Granted, there was fallout. DAMN was there fallout. Because I had a power I didn’t understand but wanted to use a lot. In the immediate though, I turned off that part that cared and tuned her out. In truth I’d forgotten about her until that quote.
Some of you think that is brutally vicious. Maybe even evil. I might agree. But think for a moment. If I can do that to someone I cared about at one point, what does that mean about the emotion I used to feel? We talk and think about affect in people. About mental illness. But we rarely go any deeper. If we go deeper we are forced to answer if the emotion is real or imagined and reimagined by our learned perception. And as I said up top, if we can only perceive it because we are taught it, it wasn’t real to begin with. Not only is that now true, but it can be explained. It can be broken down. And weaponized. The chemical reaction in our brain can be controlled because the humanity influenced concept of “love” is not real. It is a by product of the corruption of civilization we call society.
What we leave behind
So we go through all that to talk about what? Relationships? Of course. We came here to see philosophy mix with relationships mix with villainy. What we leave behind is almost as important as we take with us. And flashing back to this quote, this moment, and of course what I became is as important as what I was before. I said near the beginning that I was, at the point of this, trying to do what normal people do. But leaving that behind is as important a thing as the forced evolution of self I had undergone. When we leave things behind other things take their place. And other things replace those things. Until it takes something jarring to bring things rushing back in. This morning as I saw that note in my Facebook, It was able to feel all those things all over again. Replay the emotion as though it belonged to someone else.
I do that a lot. Once more and more control over emotions happens, less of it feels like you. It starts to feel like watching someone else’s life. In my case a bit more than that. Because I’ve always had a severe detachment from other humans. Which made a lot of this easier than it is for most folks. But then we could do an entirely different post of that as well. Tell you what. I’ll get back to my plans for the day, you can get back to your day, and we’ll meet up next time to talk about something that won’t so fundamentally challenge your long held thoughts on human existence, while being more personal than you’ve ever read me talk about. It will open your eyes a different way. Until then I could say more but…Words Don’t Do It Justice!